Is this sub still active?
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesnβt need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
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︎ Dec 25 2020
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donβt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, βtheyβre mostly deadβ
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Is an argument between two vegans still called a 'beef'?
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︎ Jan 12 2021
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
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︎ Jan 18 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Is this subreddit still active?
No one's posted anything all year...
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Does anyone still use this thread?
I haven't seen anyone since last year
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︎ Jan 01 2021
A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.
Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.
Edit: remove one case
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︎ Jan 19 2021
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
3 months since I had COVID and Iβve still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
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︎ Jan 04 2021
I canβt believe people are still making βFriendsβ references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."
Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "
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︎ Jan 01 2021
SpaceX's rocket was designed to be as wide as it could be and still be transported on the roads.
So when the boss wanted to make it larger, they had to elongate it.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My ex wife still misses me.
But her aim is getting better!
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
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︎ Dec 25 2020
My mom said this unknowingly but it still counts
So I was complaining about where I am in life and the path I have chosen she said
"Don't try to blame someone else for the road your on ....its your own asphalt"
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︎ Dec 23 2020
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???
My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness"
All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I got a vasectomy and my wife still doesn't know it.
I just dont have the balls to tell her.
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︎ Oct 19 2020
Dining indoors is still sketchy
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︎ Nov 23 2020
What do you call a number that won't sit still??
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I still believe Bill Clinton's Vice President invented the internet
Why else would we use Al-Gore-Rhythms?
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︎ Nov 29 2020
My 35-year boycott of Ferrari's and Lamborghini's is still going strong!
And will continue until they lower the price.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
What has 4 eyes but still can't see ?
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︎ Dec 01 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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︎ May 06 2020
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared βStop the count!β after Biden started making gains but Trump still couldβve shocked the world wouldβve been...
βTrumpβs Not Down For the Countβ
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I want to start a career as a counterfeit poetry books salesman, but I'm still undecided.
There's lots of prose and cons.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
If Ben Franklin were still alive today, what would he be best known for?
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︎ Oct 20 2020
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year, and he still canβt say βpleaseβ
I think thatβs poor for four
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︎ Dec 19 2020
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I canβt believe itβs not better.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just canβt part with it.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I canβt believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Oct 11 2020
My 4 year old son has been learning spanish all year and he still canβt say the word please.
Which i think is poor for four
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︎ Sep 15 2020
My Spanish friends little boy still can't say please....
And I think it's poor for four.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My four year old has been learning Spanish and still canβt say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
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