A list of puns related to "She's in Parties"
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I asked her "Wow, that's sounds really interesting, did you have to do a normal course for that, or was it some sort of intense Hypercourse?"
I was pretty happy that my horde of useless trivia finally came in handy. And she was happy that my eyes didn't glaze over when she talked about Roman tessellated floors.
She’s definitely miss Taken.
It’s got a little boogie in it!
OH just now at my Aunt’s birthday party as she was unwrapping her presents.
Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.
Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.
Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.
Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...
Take my glove
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still three
You can't take this Skye from me
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡A friend was getting married in a small church. I was part of the wedding party, and we were at wedding practice, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We noticed the bride to be seemed a bit agitated, so we asked her what was wrong.
"The church is so small," she said, "which I love - but where will we fit the musicians? we hired three string musicians to play us in and out of the wedding and there doesn't seem to be any place for them to play!"
I looked at my friend and his bride-to-be and smiled.
"You have nothing to worry about. Haven't you heard...?" They shook their heads in unison.
"THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO."
Some Background Info
On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP. Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States. Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor. This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't love him. At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more. This earned him the nickname, "The President Without A Party."
The Dad Joke
At the very end of his presidency, Mrs. First Lady wanted to have celebration. She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn. Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, "Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party!" and giggled his way into retirement.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:
“Pick a card, any card”
The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:
In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.
Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. The man says to his wife "See, and trust me, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"
The previous weekend my college age daughter told me she had slept in her car after a party.
This weekend:
Me (dad): so did you sleep in your car again?
College age daughter: No, we were a lot more comfortable than that. We slept indoors.
Me: Seems like a door would be a lot less comfortable than a car!
She was getting ready for a birthday party and comes running in:
Her: "Dad I can't find any socks to wear, and my favorite pair has a hole in it."
Me: "Well don't throw them away you can wear them to church on Sunday."
Her: "Huh, why?"
Me: "Because they're hole-y."
Her: "Uuuuhhh, daaaad."
I feel proud.
We had a work party this past weekend that required a lot of walking and standing.
When I woke up the next day, my leg was hurting. When I told my wife she asked where on my leg.
"Its like the top of my shin," I told her. She replied, "Ohh. I bet its because of the shindig we were at last night." I looked at her and she had a little grin on her face.
I, of course, had to groan in reply as she was giddy with herself.
Bee was making a list for her New Year’s Eve party. She asked her friend Grasshopper for help.
“Who should I invite?” “How about those ants that’ve been your next door neighbors for years? You invite them every year.” “I guess so… I find them a bit old-fashioned though.” “I think they’re quaint. Also you should invite the new young ant family down the street.” “Yeah, they seem so nice.”
Bee sent out most of her invites but in her rush forgot her next door neighbors. New Year’s Eve came and the party started at Bee’s house. Grasshopper came early to help Bee out as always, and noticed the unsent invites on the counter. Oh well, too late. The doorbell rang and Grasshopper went to open the door. It was the ants from next door.
And so it came to be that Grasshopper said to himself on New Year’s Eve:
“Shoot, the older quaint ants Bee forgot.”
In line for a ride, my elder daughter had been acting up a bit. When the cast member asked me the number in our party, I said "pi". At the curious look, I explained that she was a little irrational today.
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t
... keep reading on reddit ➡She went to her sister's for some sort of clothing-buying party thing, and was telling me about a dress she was handed:
"It was crazy, all these dresses had these really loud prints."
Me: "Huh. Would they look good riding in a little red corvette?"
Cue eye rolling and my hysterical laughter.
The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left
Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!
To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
To many girls think the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
... keep reading on reddit ➡I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"
I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.
At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''
l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''
She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''
l said, ''l'll have a seat.''
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"
Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.
I'm a 24yr F, and was well-trained by my father in the art of dad jokes. And I discovered that my best friend hates dad jokes one evening when we were hanging out and she goes "Hey Sasafras23...I'm hungry."
"Hi hungry, I'm Sasafras23."
"I HATE YOU."
Since then I have been periodically torturing her with dad jokes. Most recently:
(Helping her clean for a party). Friend: "Okay, let's hit the table first."
(I hit the table sharply) "Okay, now what?"
Her: I swear I will kill you.
Ok so my parents were throwing a party at there place and invited a bunch of people, including my dads hilarious ass friends. One of my moms friends flew in from Vegas to stay with us for the party and she got a little too shitty the night before. She showed up to the party later in a sarong and no make up, with her hair up.
Everyone was giving her shit for it the whole day because she drank too much the night before and couldn't really even stand. Everyone kept going, "go change! you're still in that sarong?" To which my dad drunkenly comes out of no where and says "The fuck? Sarong with that?" Maybe you just had to be there but I laughed my ass off.
This is a prank my dad used to pull, and I look forward to doing it one day.
When at a party, my dad would always take a few insignificant things. A knife, a spoon, a cloth napkin maybe a magazine. A week or so later he would mail it back to them with a note that read...
"I'm so sorry. My wife is a kleptomaniac and I found these in her purse. She is working hard on it, please keep this between us."
My wife is making "Emerald Salad" for the Independence Day party we are attending. Crusing down the aisles, looking for ingredients...she asks, "Are there nuts in this aisle?" I step in front of her and lock eyes..."Yes, Yes there are nuts in this aisle."
We were talking, and then she looks at her pants and notices a small hole at the knee.
Her: Aw man, my pants have a hole in them.
Me: Well yeah, how else would you have gotten your legs in?
Groans were had by all the parties involved.
Me: "So at my co-worker's party, I met a woman who suddenly called out "Link!" at me when she saw me and pulled me over to her side of the room to take a picture of my costume. She said that her friend, who wasn't at the party, had dressed up as Link, too. She was somewhat drunk and rather excited about it. I saw a picture of her friend on her phone. She had put a bit more commitment into the costume since she had a sword and shield."
Dad: "So... did you connect with her friend after the party..."
Me: "Uh.. no?"
Dad: "...on LinkedIn?
Me: *facepalm*
This morning as we were waiting for my mom, who was late to the Christmas party, my dad goes to her room and asks her if she's in there wrapping presents. He comes back and reports, "She's gone hip-hop. She's in there rapping!" Oh, Dad.
Okay, this is my first time posting to this sub. :) I work at a kid's play center, and with the big Frozen craze going on lately, we have about five Frozen themed birthday parties a day.
We had a Frozen birthday party a few days ago where someone brought in their own balloons, and one of which has Elsa on one side of the balloon with Anna on the other side. We have a new girl that I was training at work, and she pointed out the balloon today and asked, "Wow, how did that get there?"
With the biggest grin on my face, I proudly said, "I guess someone just accidentally... Let it go."
So I went to my parents place for dinner yesterday and my sister was feeling the after effects of a kegger she went to the day before with some friends. She was talking about how her friends younger siblings and their teenage friends were there as well, describing it as a "Joint party" between the siblings. To which my dad replies "Joint party? I thought you said it was a kegger"
My mother shook her head in disgust, my sister shook her head in shame, but my father and I shared a good chuckle, I am definitely my fathers son.
Co-worker of my mother recently moved to California...
Me: Where in Cali did she move to?
Mom: Pasadena.
Me: Did she meet the little old lady yet?
Laughter ensued from all the other dads at the party!
Groans from the moms...
She's in 2nd grade and every Friday (pizza day) her teachers Dad comes in to volunteer. He stops by her class and has this exchange:
Dad: Hey kids, I brought you all pizza!
Kids cheering: Where is it?
Dad: The cafeteria!
They all groan and walk off to wait in line for lunch, thinking they were going to have a pizza party. They fall for this every week.
She told me she wanted a Ford Fiesta in candy blue.
I responded "Fiesta, huh? Sounds like a party."
<Insert groans>
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡She recently got married and took the last name of her husband, which happened to be "Kind".
At the wedding party, I got asked what I like most about my sister-in-law.
My answer: "I really appreciate the marriage, because no matter how much I annoy her now, she won't get mad. She'll always be Kind."
The look on her face said: she did not see that coming. She was annoyed.
...but remained kind.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
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