My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
Why don’t British people pronounce T’s
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
What’s big and white and can’t climb trees?
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
There’s a reason why aliens haven’t visited the solar system yet.
They checked the reviews and saw we only have one star.
I don’t get why it’s such a bad idea to take ivermectin…
It seemed to work just fine for my NEIGHbors
I shouted at my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore! The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest..."
"I don’t even know where that is!"
What’s the one thing a teenage girl can’t do?
I can’t believe I lost my family’s Italian dessert recipe…
I cannoli hope I find it.
As a family with hereditary alopecia, my great uncle used to make us all wigs on an old weaving machine. Now he’s died we can’t bin it
…It’s a family hairloom
Yeeeah you saw it coming, but you still clicked.
What’s a snow man that doesn’t have any snow?
A NO man!
Courtesy of my almost 6 year old daughter as she’s playing the snow. She’s a natural.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs!
What do you call a plant that doesn’t do it’s homework
Mario isn’t his first name, it’s his last name actually.
His full name is Itsumi Mario.
My wife thinks I’m a total klutz and is always worried I’m going to hurt myself accidentally. I don’t take it personally , she’s always been a pessimist
Even her blood type is B negative
Apparently, wanting to become an optometrist for insects doesn’t sit well with the fraternity. They say it’s Ant Eye Establishment.
I’m a rough carpenter and I couldn’t find the stud so I said out loud in anger where’s the stud.
Then he said “I’m right here, here you go” and hands me the stud finder
I have been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I can’t remember 80’s bands.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t bring her luggage into the airline’s business class seating?
She only had a Coach bag.
A bodybuilder flexes once it’s intentional… the second time he can’t help it.
What’s it called when you smell weed but there isn’t any?
Most people don’t like eating food before it’s done in the oven.
But I think pig is best eaten while it’s still bacon.
It’s often forgotten that the publication of “Hamlet” was delayed by several months because Shakespeare couldn’t figure out what pencil to write it with
Pandora’s box wasn’t actually a box.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
What’s big, grey, and doesn’t matter?
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
It’s my cake day 😊 why didn’t the teddy bear finish his cake?
He was already stuffed !!
What’s it called when a geographer can’t control his bowels?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What do you call a lizard who’s tail doesn’t work ?
Matthew McConaughey’s new book is a great read, but he almost didn’t write it…
After some convincing from family and friends he finally said, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
I can’t believe it’s not...
Me: the earth isn’t flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: it’s the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Being a Stepdad isn’t easy, but coming down and opening up a World’s Best Dad card and aftershave.. wow, what a feeling!
.. turns out it was for Liam’s biological Dad and I had to re-wrap it but still had a lovely day.
I didn’t realize the Cat in the Hat worked for Farmer’s insurance.
But then I found out he knows a Thing or two because he’s seen a Thing or two.
What’s the only day that doesn’t end in ‘y’?
My sister’s dog doesn’t seem to like their new born daughter. She always growls at her. Because of this, she’s looking to re-home her.
If you know anybody who’s interested in a new born, let me know.
Boss can’t see her employee’s hard work
It’s crazy that there are dads out there who weren’t even born when Shrek came out in 2001-
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Why can’t you do Schrodinger’s experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
What’s it called when a balding King doesn’t have a son?
It wouldn’t let me post the picture so here’s a link
What’s E.T. Short for?
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Because he has small legs.
What’s e.t. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs
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