Out to Lunch Puns

"Alpaca lunch for you”

He had pressing business to attend to elsewhere.

If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend. For Nando's.

Is it a federal mandate?

Husband: "How's the Smoked Turkey here?"
Waitress: "Oh it's delicious!"
Husband:"Hmmm, okay but there's only one problem with smoked turkey."
Waitress: "What's the problem?"
Husband: "Keeping it lit!"
I made sure to tip her well.

Today, my dad and I went to a restaurant that we've never been to before. It mainly sells gyros and other foods of the sort. I could tell my dad was unsure of what to get, so he told me to order by saying, "You go first... This is all Greek to me."

Me: 'I know how you feel. I can't go to Wal-Mart without dropping a few bones too'

Went out with some friends and we ordered wings for the table.

The wings come, and we start eating them. The waitress comes by and asks how they are. I ask:

Me: "Are these the normal recipe?"

Her: "Yes why, do they taste differently?"

Me: "Yeah, it sounds like they're just wingin' it back there!"

Nailed it.

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

One April Fools eve, my wife went to bed early. Just shortly after 12:01am, I went in to bed. I noticed I woke her up and I immediately said, “Can you make the kids lunch?” She was so pissed at me and stormed out the bedroom only to find the kids lunch already made in the fridge! AAAAAppppprrrriiiilll FFFooooooolllllllllsss!!

Edit: Didn’t get laid that night.

I didn't make the joke in english but it translates well.

We just had lunch and my mom was clearing out the table and putting stuff in the dishwasher while my brothers and my dad were talking about the party we were going to that afternoon. My mom and dad would go there by bike and my brothers and I would take the car.

Then my mom said: "should I turn on the dishwasher so everything will be clean when we'll return?"

On which I commented: "That's not fair, we go by car, and you by bike, while the dishwasher has to run?"

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

“Pea soup.”

“Lunch?”

“Pea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

“Pee soup.”

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

Father and daughter are out to lunch.

Daughter says "Dad, I'm pregnant"

Dad says "Hi Pregnant, I'm Grandpa"

twice today he impressed me.

first were out for lunch and hes kicking me under the table. me: "stop dude, that hurts!" him: "not to me."

then were at a store where they were they currently have a reading incentive program "...read at least 8 of the following titles and receive a free book" him: "so, can i get my free book now?" me: "what? no." him: "but i read all the titles..."

i bought him a book for his efforts.

I was out to lunch with a few colleagues at a local Chinese buffet. The way seating is laid out, we four were seated at a long table with a couple on either end of us. The couple to my left received their fortune cookies and the lady cracked hers open. I heard her disappointment as she told her husband in anguish "There's no fortune in mine! My fortune cookie has no fortune!"

I looked at her and said "Ma'am, that's unfortunate." All my colleagues collectively sighed, and my buddy across the table from me said "You know what scrovak, that was so bad, she gets your cookie now."

The lady was delighted both at the joke and the new cookie.

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

like the title says im in need of a funny/catchy/witty/ pun name for my new pub! there are already a few pubs around with catchy pun names like pub-lick, and sub-urban (they make sub sandwiches at lunch) can we come up with something better!! some info that might help you out. the pub is going to be in canberra, act, australia in the city centre i.e. civic.

lets see what we can come up with!!

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

So I was driving to work the other day and as I stopped at 3 way intersection (stop sign) by my house I paused to grab the apple out of my lunch because I was hungry. The moment I after I took my first bite and was about to turn, a construction truck blew the stop sign and almost took out the front of my car. After the excitement left I couldn't help but think to myself, "an apple a day really does keep the doctor away." And took another bite.

Was trying to figure out if I had time to go grab lunch before a deployment at work:

Me: do I have time to grab lunch before this deployment?

Coworker: Yeah definitely, go eat.

Me: Okay, cool, I was just trying to see if I could eat something more than a bag of almonds today.

Coworker: Aw but almonds are so good! They're full of protein and good stuff.

Me: Yeah, but almonds for lunch? That's nuts.

groans throughout the office

So, on Sunday my wife and I were making stir fry for lunch after church. I chopped up some flank steak and test fried a piece in the wok, pulled it out, cut it in two, and we each tried a piece to see how it tasted (in case it needed more ginger or garlic or oyster sauce). This conversation happened.

My wife: (enjoying the flavor) How do couples where one person is a vegetarian handle meals?

Me: I guess the man has a help meet for him like Adam.

Her: I'm being serious, how do they do it.

Me: I know, right? People get married for lots of carnal knowledge.

Her: (annoyed) All kidding aside, I'm curious how people make that work.

Me: Give me some time to flesh out my argument, and I'm sure I can find a couple that hasn't butchered their relationship.

Everyone was sent to the lunch room until the production area was clear of smoke. I told a colleague on the way out that today everyone gets a smoke break!

Me: So Stephany and I took a ferry across the bay to go eat lunch

Dad: Oh that sounds nice! What was his name?

Me:....Whose name?

Dad: The fairy that you took out to lunch

We've all heard the old dad joke about how our parents had to walk 20 miles to school, through 8-foot snowdrifts, "uphill, both ways." My Dad used to tell it all the time, but he had a masterful (in my opinion) ending to it.

He would tell the joke as most of us have heard it, and then would say "...and if you dropped your lunch, you were shit out of luck." This never made sense to me until one day I asked him; "Why didn't you just pick it up?"

His reply...."Do you know hard it is to pick a handful of warm oatmeal out of a snowbank!?"

The other day my girlfriend and I went out for lunch. The waitress came around to collect our empty plates, and asked if we had saved room for dessert. My girlfriend's reply was, "No, thank you, I'm stuffed."

The waitress said, apparently believing it was under her breath and inaudible, a squeaky, drawn-out, "Hiiiiii stuffffed ...." then walked away with our plates, and wearing a blank expression.

This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch.

I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says:

"He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem."

He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back. That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day.

So I am staying in Germany with a host family. I know little German and we all went out for lunch. I was looking at the seafood section and I took forever in deciding what I wanted, going back and forth between the salmon and the sea bass. I finally decided on the sea bass, and we order our food.

So some restaurants in Germany are a lot more casual than American restaurants, and you sometimes seat yourself and the waiter/waitress will bring the silverware and napkins to you later. So when I saw the waiter bring over a plate with silverware and napkins on it, he placed it in front of me, to which I naturally said:

"Well, I could have sworn I ordered the sea bass."

My host family literally died laughing.

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

Lady answers, man asks, "May I have some food please?"

Lady replies, "There's a pile of wood out back, if you cut them in half I'll make you lunch."

Man says, "I didn't see any wood"

Lady, "I watched you walk up through my window, I saw you see it."

Man replies, "You may have saw me see it but you're not going to see me saw it."

My wife woke up late. So she asked me to help her with her morning routine, things like making her a lunch and stuff like that. When she was ready for work, she said, "Thanks, Husband. Sorry you had to pick up the slack. I got a little behind."

I teasingly said, "Is it under the rest of it?" ^^Oh ^^man, ^^I ^^hope ^^she ^^finds ^^this ^^funny.

Thankfully, she got a good laugh out of it.

My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.

Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"

Son "Yes!"

Wife " Tell me what the letters are"

Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"

Me "Was that his first dad joke?"

Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.

I was eating lunch at work one day and someone brought in some Laffy Taffy. Before I could even think about what I was saying, I blurted out "I like most kinds of taffy, but Laffy Taffy always tastes kind of funny to me"

I got 3 blank stares and one person who groaned.

We had just parked after lunch and she wasn't budging to get out of the car so I got my camo blanket from the backseat and pretended I was sleeping.

She then proceeded to try and take a picture.

Her: I can't see you! referring to the sun making shadows around my face

Me: that's because I'm camouflaged!

I could hear her eyes rolling.

It was Valentine's day and some buddies and I went out to grab lunch at a pizza joint called Mellow Mushroom. Appreciative of the waitress working on this day I left her two gems on the receipt to make up for it:

"Morgan, you had me at mellow," and "I have mushroom in my heart for you"

Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

So after my daughter got off the bus, she was telling me about her day. She said that, at lunch, she was pretending to be a goblin.

"Gobbling what?", I asked. "Hopefully your lunch."

She stared at me (trying hard not to smile), let out an exasperated sigh, and said "I hate your jokes". Then walked away to the house without as much as another word...

He ordered a small filet and when the waitress brought it by he held out his hands and asked her to just drop it a couple inches. That way he could say he caught his lunch.