A list of puns related to "Non monogamy"
She left on January 16th. The kids are with me.
We have counseling scheduled but I'm pretty sure it's over. She said she wants to be able to do what she wants when she wants. I think she got a taste of this lifestyle and loved it more than me or being in a family. She said she's outgrown me. I know her so well and it looks like she's made up her mind.
I'm completely dead. The light has gone out of my life. I'm grieving the loss of my favorite person. This is what it felt like when my grandfather died. Knowing that I will never see someone I loved so dearly again. Because I think she's someone else now.
Somewhere along the way, she stopped feeding the fire of our love, but I never did. And so now I'm alone with it, watching it dwindle and cool and die. It has burnt so bright and hot for so long. I think she walked away from it a long time ago, but I've been here tending it hoping she would come back.
I'm so tired and sad. And cold. It's cold in the midwest and I have no one to hold.
My life is my girls now. Keeping them busy and healthy and raising them with integrity and accountability.
My partner (30M) and I (29NB AFAB) have been married for 11 years. We have been monogamous for our relationship because of our religion, but we’ve always talked about wanting this, but would follow it with “but obviously it’s (poly and our same sex attractions) wrong”. Well, we are now freed from religion and are atheists (for many reasons) and realize neither of those things are wrong, and have decided to be ENM. We’re both bisexual and want to explore that. I’ve dated girls when I was teenager but we never went beyond making out, it was a very secretive/shame/short lived thing. He’s never had any experience with men at all.
I’m interested in a relationship, maybe a fwb but actually being good friends with them or even another partner. Right now, my partner is exclusively looking for hook ups. He’s talked to a couple guys on grindr and there’s potential there, and I’m on tinder and HER and have a couple people I’m talking to, too, with one woman in particular that I’m starting to really develop feelings for.
My partner has said that if he does hook up with a guy, and it’s not for him, he’s not going to pursue anything else. He’s not interested in being with another AFAB. He said he is totally cool with me still seeing other people if that happens though.
But my question is, is it ethical for me to see other people if my partner is not and does not plan on doing so? This might not even happen, I just want to know in case it does.
Thanks for reading!
TL;DR I feel like I'm headed to an unhealthy mental place because my bf wants an open relationship.
I'm a 38 year old man in a relationship with a 26 year old man since 3 years ago. To the best of my knowledge, he's never cheated, but he recently asked me for permission to be somewhat "open" because he craves a variety of sexual experiences rather than just what he can get from me.
Intellectually, I kind of understand the idea, but my gut reaction is super strong: I must not be interesting enough, sexy enough, worthy enough if I can't keep your attention and if you want to share intimacies with others. You must be just not that into me, or emotionally unable to commit if I can't keep your attention and you want to share your intimacies with others. He assures me that it's not like that, he loves me and our life very much, he just has needs, and they are just harmless needs that don't diminish what we have. Again, my very strong gut reaction is that sex naturally embodies significant bonding emotions, and if we share that with others then we diminish what we have together.
My therapist essentially says I could try to change my thinking about the situation -- I've attributed great meaning to sex that doesn't need to be there, I'm expecting full devotion when that's not realistic over the long term, you can't own and control someone else, better to be open to new ideas and supporting each other on our journey rather than restricting each other. Ugh, I don't want to "own and control" my partner, I just want him to love me deeply without me having to compete with other guys for that love. The idea that I have to change my core beliefs doesn't really sit well with me, but I do appreciate the hard reality that apparently my partner doesn't assign the same meaning to sex that I do, and nothing I can do can cause him to change to magically see the world in my way rather than his own.
I feel stuck -- I greatly value what we have and really don't want to start over fresh, but the idea of sharing him sexually and romantically is really, really bothering me. It's causing me to think our relationship is a sham because he's really just not that into me. I have a lot of cognitive dissonance when he’s all nice and loving to me but then simultaneously chatting lots of randos on Grindr. But I also don't want to break up and the same thing is gonna happen in a few years with some new guy. I'm feeling stuck because I can wrap my head around other relationship models tha
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm currently seeing someone who wants a monogamous relationship and we often talk about our reasons. That made me think. I never went to therapy so I don't have the opinion of an expert. What I know about myself is, I love the dopamine kick of a new flirt, that warm feeling when someone shows interest in me. During Covid I started to realize that maybe I just don't want to be alone. I tend to write other men more when my boyfriend is out of town. The worst thought that came to my mind is that I could be bored of my life. Is that a reason to flirt with other men? What I clearly can deny is that I'm seeking something better than my boyfriend. I love him and I think it couldn't get any better. But that could also be my brain, saving me from being alone. What my boyfriend, best friends and even my family always tell me is, that I have nearly zero self esteem. So the open relationship is my backdoor to prove my worth and get validation. Could starting a therapy and working on those issues, make me monogamous after all?
I have been thinking in circles the past few weeks after the discussions I’ve listened to on CB surrounding non-monogamy and boundaries, etc. Bekah obviously wants a nm relationship. Or at least wants to explore it. Gray does not and has consistently expressed his discomfort and lack of desire to pursue that. Both are valid in their desires here. Neither is right or wrong - they are both equally valid. My question is where is the line in which one partner compromises more than the other (Bekah in this case)? Or the line where one is having their clearly-defined boundaries crossed (Gray in this case)? Is there a healthy place that exists in the middle? Or are each of their needs mutually exclusive at this point and the realistic options are 1) one of the above or 2) break up?
I think I’m hung up on this circular thought because it can apply to many situations within a relationship (that have nothing to do with non monogamy). I experience this regularly where I feel as though I compromise more than my partner when it comes to my needs being met, and it has begun to harbor resentment toward my partner. I see this happening with B&G and hence why it is on my mind.
Interested to hear the broad squad’s thoughts. ❤️
Mine are to embrace an abundance mindset and really work on breaking down/questioning the scripts that lead to big jealousy reactions and control instead of trust and peace.
Oh and lots of great sex haha 💖 Ps love this forum has given me a lot of insight and peace on my non monogamy journey 🙏
My reasoning is quite simple. When we sleep together we are trusting each other that we haven't had a burning sensation while peeing or something in the time leading up to us sleeping together (yeah, condom, but not 100% effective). If you sleep with someone else before our next date, you are implicitly forcing me to trust someone I don't know about monitoring their STD status. Therefore I think it is a bit disrespectful to sleep with someone else without talking about it. You should always mention it to a sex partner, so that they can make the decision to trust your judgement about the other person, or to decide they don't want non-monogamy in their life and break things off.
It seems like the trend recently is "sleep with 100 people at the same time until you commit to one", and as someone who doesn't want syphilis or chlamydia that kind of worries me for if I ever have to get back into the dating game.
I, bisexual (25F) am dating a demisexual girl (27F) and I just brought up tonight that I am struggling with her Demi sexuality and not having sex. (She is not ready to have sex with me yet) And we agreed that me sleeping with other people would be an option. (Which is new to me as I have never done that while in a relationship) I was anxious to ask as I care for her very much. She seemed very open to have more of a discussion about it, and understood where I was coming from. She said this isn’t her first time having this discussion with past relationships. So I’m coming up with a list of questions/concerns to ask her and I’m wondering if you lovely people could give me any ideas/questions/concerns that I should touch base with her on, that I might not think about asking. And any tips for me would be amazing!!
Here is a list of the questions a plan to ask if anyones interested in those lol
-how did this work in your past relationships?
-do you think if I go sleep with other people then that would completely close the door for me and you in the future? Or hinder it?
-is this something you can actually handle or do you just feel pressured into agreeing to this? Like are you going to be able to see it as just sex and be fine with that?
-would it change anything at all between me and you?
-would you want to know who I was sleeping with?
-is there anything you would want to know about it or would we just pretend like it isn’t happening?
-do you actually think this could work?
I often reflect on what non-monogamy has done for me as a man and husband, and I’m curious how others feel whether you’re a man or a woman.
Non-monogamy for me came nearly 20 years into my marriage, in my early 40’s. Been in a relationship with my wife since I was 23. Met in 2002. Never been with anyone else during that time and only a handful of short relationships in my late teens and early 20’s.
I was always a confident man sexually but as you can imagine, perfectly content in monogamous marriage. I never imagined I’d have the chance to pursue new women, or feel like a mature, accomplished adult man.
Being NM has given me these chances to feel a certain confidence I didn’t know I needed at this point in my life. It’s been amazing. It’s great to be flattered, to know someone new craves your skills and personality, and to feel sexually accomplished. I was always enough for my wife and she was always enough for me, but my experiences have just put such a swagger in me for the past nine months.
How about you? What’s NM done for your confidence?
Do managerials and business owners make up a sizeable demographic? Is disposable income really an imperative for partaking in non-monogamy in its various overlapping shades: swinging, polyamory and kink, given that sex toys, kink gear and sex parties aren't exactly on the cheap side of things. Is the 'rich white middle and upper class people' stereotype of non-mono folks really true or have you noticed demographic diversity in your non-mono community?
I was open with my recent boyfriend from the beginning that I was exploring non-monogamy and from pretty early on that I was also seeing someone else. He told me he had been poly in the past but has over the course of our relationship shared that he hates the idea of me being with other people. We have agreed on me sharing with him when I'm with someone and nothing more. Our agreements are that I tell him as soon as I know so that he can arrange his coping mechanisms. However, he got really upset when I told him about my plans (after checking with him about when he would like to receive said info!) and I felt that he blamed me for not being more conscientious of 'timing' even though he explicitly said yes when I asked him if it was okay to share at that time. We love each other and we are trying to figure this out and I also feel like I'm being made to feel guilty about being non-monogamous when he knew that from the beginning. How do I talk to him about this and/or any tips for us to have a conversation about communication agreements? DADT is not an option for me.
My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) are considering opening up our relationship. I am a cis woman, and he a cis man, and I knew from the beginning of our relationship (a little under a year together) that he is pansexual. This is a realization that he came to in late 2019, right before the pandemic hit so dating was obviously not available for quite a while, but he had dated a variety of people was exploring his queer identity.
Fast forward to spring 2020 and we met, and fell in love HARD. however he is still reconciling his identity as a queer person. We decided to consider opening up the relationship and exploring (I am bicurious, I’ve only been with one woman but am interested in exploring that about myself also).
EDITED/ We intend to maintain our relationship and make sure we are each other’s priority while also exploring our truths ( aka only FWB/ casual encounters outside our relationship) On the surface this seems fine, but I know there are a lot of issues in the trans community, particularly surrounding cis men dating trans women and feeling like they are just for “play” or that straight men don’t take them seriously as relationship partners. I don’t want anyone to feel objectified, but I also not trying to be polyamorous. We both feel strongly that we are endgame monogamously.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking except for some insight and advice. How do women in this thread feel about this situation?
Thanks
My husband (30M) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years and married for 2. From day 1, we have agreed that we don’t want to be monogamous for many reasons. However, neither of us have actually done anything with any other partner. We have texted others here and there, but we’re still in this weird “transitionary” period of monogamous to non-monogamous.
Just for clarification, we have both kind of went about things the wrong way. Right after we got married, my husband texted a few of our mutual girl friends to start conversations and take them out. I found out by another mutual friend, confronted him (with jealousy and aggression), and he stopped. He understood I felt disrespected and humiliated, and we should wait until we’re both more ready. Since then, I’ve been working on my insecurities and have come SUCH a long way.
A few months ago, I brought up to my husband that a guy asked me out and that I was excited to go on a date. He was very upset because of my hypocritical actions, and felt disrespected because I never told him about my intentions of starting the transition again. I discontinued conversations with this man and cancelled the date.
So now to the actual problem. I have a mentor in my field that is an older, semi-attractive, successful man. I met him in Dec 2020. My husband always told me the mentor’s intention is not to mentor me but to sleep with me. My husband and I have a rule that we won’t mix business with pleasure with anyone else, no matter what. The mentor and I cut off communication in Feb 2021 because of the inability to come to a compromise on the work commitment (work for him and get paid vs not).
We restarted communication on Nov 2021 to meet up, teach me things, and discuss business. My husband didn’t like it, but I reassured him that he can trust me. I told my husband that the mentor flirts with me and I am neutral. My intentions are only for work, even if the mentor’s intentions are different. My husband made it very clear that he doesn’t trust this man and only wants me to have a strict business relationship with him.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. This mentor has been heavy flirting with me, buying me gifts, excessively complimenting me, telling me he connects with me so much, confessing issues in his own marriage, attempting to kiss me, and comparing my relationship with him to my relationship with my husband. I realized that my husband was right, and I decided to cut off all ties with him. I told my husban
... keep reading on reddit ➡So pretty much what the title says. My partner (23F) and I (26F) have been together for 3 years and she recently brought up the idea of non-monogamy. It's been rocky at times as I learn to navigate and work through feelings of jealousy, anxiety, and fear. But we are taking small steps towards opening up our relationship and possibly exploring polyamory in the future.
My question lies with what non-monogamy means for both of us and how different it seems to be. In my case, non-monogamy has allowed me to start exploring and addressing parts of my past and anxious thinking. It has also allowed me to feel ok with developing crushes for others whilst in relationships and I am excited to explore that once we're ready. However, my partner feels that non-monogamy is an essential part of who she is - just something she had not realized about herself until recently. She feels like she could not be truly happy in a monogamous relationship whereas I feel like I would mostly be ok with either arrangement.
I don't think this is a major issue but it does impact the way we both speak about our hopes for the future and has caused a few minor misunderstandings. I guess my question is mostly for people who have dealt with something similar. How did you find understanding for your partner's experience when their view of non-monogamy was different to yours?
This is my dating life lately:
Last year my non-monog pandemic girlfriend moved away. It was fine, we really weren't cut out for long term.
Next up I met someone that I really liked, definitely long term material. While I was very upfront about non mono she always seemed a little reluctant about the STI risk. She was very hard to date, extremely busy. Then she had to lock down because of Delta (immunocompromised child) so it was either see her once in a while and no one else or see her never and try my luck in the dating pool.
Connected with someone that I really like. She's open to non monogamy but I think it's because she doesn't want any real attachments. She's moving away (plane ride) anyway for a dream job that she really can't turn down.
Connected with someone else that I really like. We get along well but it's very early. She thinks her partner might want to ask her to not date other men because he's feeling insecure. I suspect he might use the pandemic as an excuse. Still waiting for her to have that conversation with him, it's been a few days since she brought it up.
There have been others in there but the pandemic just keeps getting in the way.
Thinking of just chucking it and going back to monogamy so I can have an actual partner. Plus it seems like most long term non-mono couples start out mono for a while so they can establish a strong relationship.
I live by myself, my kid is over one night a week. He plays online games with his friends and his gaming computer is at his mother's house. I'm not gonna get him a gaming computer for my house, he's about to move out into his own place in the next 18 months I think.
The isolation is getting to me. Maybe monogamy wouldn't be so bad.
To be clear I’ve dabbled in non-monogamous relationships before and realized it’s just not for me. But now I find myself living on an island of 5000 people and most of the young people are ethically non-monogamous. Here’s my issue. I think they suck at the ethical part of it. This fall Iv been on a handful of dates with three separate people. None of them disclosed that they were non-monogamous and had other partners until I asked a few weeks in. I’m I the ass? Are they? I let them down easy and cut ties after I found out in all three cases. I want to stay monogamous, and I want the ethically non-monogamous to stay ethical. How do I avoid this in the future?
Note: dating apps arnt popular here. We just kinda all have mutual friends and meet at social events. That’s where I ask folks out.
I (19 F) see guys put “open to either monogamy or non-monogamy” on their profile. If I’m only looking for a monogamous relationship, so should I swipe left? Are they going to ask me to open our relationship in the future? I think even being asked would make be feel bad about myself.
Pretty basic and hopefully thought provoking question. Would love to hear how many of you will answer this. Length of time as NM would be good for context. (My answer in comments)
Participate in Love Languages Research!
Examining Chapman’s Love Languages Across Sexual Orientations and Monogamous/Consensually Non-monogamous Relationships
Participate in a new research study to examine the relationships between love languages, sexual orientation, and relationship style (monogamous versus consensually non-monogamous)!
Participation involves completion of a brief online survey that can be accessed here: http://fullerton.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_dm5DYRaldfjpfzo
Anyone over 18 years old can participate regardless of sexual orientation or relationship style.
If you have any questions/comments, please contact the principal investigator for more information at Rouvere@csu.fullerton.edu. You can also provide your email address in the survey to receive a copy of the final report when it is completed. Thank you!
(This study has been approved by the University of California, Fullerton Institutional Review Board.)
I've just lost a partner whom I really cared about, and I'm struggling with feelings of worthlessness and not being "enough".
I was trying to embrace the lifestyle, but "getting dumped" by a couple of partners who ended up developing feelings for other women and wanting monogamy hurts as fuck. None of them ever wanted to discuss the possibility of exclusivity and were all very eager to try out non-monogamy.
How do you deal with "getting dumped"?
Okay, I’m just gonna put it all out there: I am recently divorced, and our time in polyamory was not healthy, with both parties to blame.
As I’ve gone out into the world and can now experience life by myself, I realize I may never want an actual relationship. The “traditional” aspects don’t appeal to me, and I think that sort of closeness isn’t good for me mentally, as it feels restrictive and scary.
I like my freedom. I like who I am when I’m not anxiously attached, obsessing over the relationship. When I date, I don’t overthink or worry. I just enjoy myself. I enjoy the other person, and genuinely love their company, without any fear of “oh god, are they going to leave me?”
Non-monogamy allows me to spread myself out more vs focusing all of my energy and anxiety on one individual. Monogamy in the past has caused me to become a version of myself I don’t like.
Of course, I am going to therapy for these intimacy issues and a whole lot more… but as I take a step back, I am evaluating what my future looks like.
I want to date and see people, spend time with them, see snippets into their lives, develop a friendship, experience intimacy, make memories, all of those things — but no labels or expectations to meet their family or settle down in some sense. No expectations. Just enjoying it for what it is. I am not a jealous person, and I don’t want to be “tied.” I don’t want to live with anyone or share finances or even really be an official couple.
I don’t mind if we don’t talk everyday. I don’t mind late responses or busy lives. I don’t mind if we don’t hang out every day or every week. I just like people making time for me in some way. However, I enjoy a lot of aspects of relationships, but I’m not sure where the line is drawn between “this is my.. umm… friend,” vs a relationship.
Here are my questions:
How do I communicate this desire effectively to a potential interest?
What constitutes a comet? To you, what is romance and what crosses lines?
What boundaries do you set for yourself, and how has stepping off the relationship escalator helped you?
We became official boyfriends in the Summer and went through a non-monogamous phase. We then went monogamous after a fight regarding communication and trust. (he hooked up with someone else in a threesome and didn't tell me the night it happened when he came late for a date). We then went non-monogamous again for a week but it lied to arguments. We are monogamous again but it's only been a month. I'm wondering if it's possible to stay monogamous after you started dating someone as non-monogamous. Would the person not take the monogamous commitment seriously since they've already has a taste of a stsble emotional relationship with you plus sex with random men.
If you'd like to share, please state your type + your opinion of non-monogamy + reasoning for such an opinion
Hey all. So I have never been in a non-monogamous relationship, but parts of what I like (swinging, open relationships) are appealing to me. I do not think my longterm boyfriend and I could handle it now, but I would potentially want to try in the future. I guess I don't know if its something I'd like or dislike. Anyway, its a big fat NO from my boyfriend (he's gone back and forth on threesomes, but the other stuff he wouldn't handle well) and I realize its a dealbreaker for him. Have any of you given up on your ideas of non-monogamy for a partner you fucking adore that treats you like royalty? I don't want to lose him. My non-monogamist thoughts could very well be a fantasy. Would love stories and advice, thanks.
People always ask me the difference and I don’t know how to explain.
Maybe this can serve as a cautionary tale, maybe someone can offer some advice.
About this time last year I suggested that my wife should find a FWB. It’s something she had said she wanted, but had repressed the urge. After listening to some podcasts and being in a really weird place myself, it suddenly seemed like a good idea. I thought it would be a nice gesture and help her live her best life. I thought it would help with her depression. I thought she would find someone by the spring (this was in the middle of COVID).
I was naïve. She found someone the first day she was on OKC that became a close friend (let’s call him X). He lives 2 hours away (we’re all in the semi-rural Midwest). After a few weeks of talking she had he met at a hotel halfway in between. It was hard for me – lot of jealousy, but we got through it. She had a couple other dalliances after that, but nothing too serious. I had serious jealousy issues during the whole time. I started doing the work I should have done ahead of time, books podcasts, etc. During this period (Dec-Mar) I lost a LOT of weight because I couldn’t eat. I was extremely depressed and got on a new anti-depressant. I did some therapy but probably not enough. Somewhere along the way I met a woman who I had a few experiences with, but it was mostly a fairly toxic relationship and ran it’s course.
All along my wife and X are getting closer and closer. They video chat each other every day. He drove his RV to our side of the state and they spent 3 days together (although she slept at our house). I kept saying that I thought she was falling for him, and that I could not do poly, and was reassured that ‘it wasn’t like that’ – but it was clear that X (who is absolutely poly, had previously been in a quad, etc.)
Fast forward to August of this year. My side-relationship (thank god) is over, we have tried to arrange some swinging type experiences but they all blew up in our faces, and X is pressing for something more serious with my wife. I can feel it. Through conversations with my wife she says that he wants labels and would like to be boyfriend and girlfriend. This is way outside the bounds for what I can handle, and I’m just existing in a sort of constant crisis state.
Eventually my wife broke it off with X the week before Labor Day weekend because this whole thing is killing me and killing our marriage. The following weekend I get the following message from X:
Zeppelinonnpr,
*I want you to know that I love
... keep reading on reddit ➡I read this article from the economist magazine and it mentioned that non-monogamy and free-love were important concepts in several utopian communities, and I am curious to know more about this history and in particular any book recommendations about these connections. Thanks!
My long distance partner (21NB) and I (19M) are both really into the idea of nonmonogamy but are having trouble getting started. The only type of open relationship we’re okay with is one where it’s sex only, and I’m practically aromantic anyway. We want to open our relationship but there’s a few issues with this.
The idea was first brung up by my SO (F) one year ago. At first, I was angrily refusing even talking about the idea. But I slowly understood the proposition wasn't getting away. So, I took the initiative to read about it (this subreddit, The Ethical Slut, some articles) to adress the "arguments" and leanings I had for monogamy (even knowing more that my SO at one point), in a goodfaith mindset. Visualizing my SO and myself having sex with someone else, talking about it and identifiying my insecurities have helped nuancing my stance. So far, I think the best points made I read here were someone saying his objective was to make his SO the most happy possible and another one saying he would like it for themself (full empathy). Any man here wants to share thoughts? How did you address your insecurities? Did you try and aborted the change afterwards? How did it go? Thanks!
My wife and I had officially opened our marriage approximately 3 years ago when we completely unintentionally started a triad with a girl we met online. This girl obviously had other plans, as she brought her boyfriend into the relationship and then manipulated my wife and gaslit me out of the the relationship resulting in a 2 month live-in separation between my wife and I. My wife eventually came out of her brainwashing and we reconciled, but she told me that she had solidified her belief that she was polyamorous. Having had my ripped to shreds before, I was not keen on continuing to explore non-monogamy but I agreed to try as one bad experience shouldn't be representative of a love style that I otherwise very much agreed with.
I still have not had any other partners than my wife and the girl who manipulated and destroyed us. And not for lack of trying either. Before that girl who broke ua, we were the perfect team. We complemented eachother so well and all of our friends saw us as the perfect partners. Two puzzle pieces that fit so well together. I hate how everything changed. She's had a half dozen different partners other the past couple years. I watch her get so excited and I feel excited for her. Jealous that she's finding other partners and wishing I knew how that felt, but also so excited and happy for her. I love to see my best friend happy. Except for the man she cheated on me with. I knew about him, and they had gotten close, but I found out after the fact that she had by lying to me, sneaking around, and not following agreed upon protocols for new partners. And it's not just me that she's been lying to. It's everyone close to her in her life. I'm just getting my heart broken again, and the girl who broke us has nothing to do with it this time. She tells me my feelings and insecurities will change once I've found another partner. I don't believe it will.
She's found a way to cheat on me with "permission" and I'm dying inside watching the love of my life fall out of love with me.
The worst of it is I know I need to leave. I know I need to move on, but I honestly have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how to protect our 3 kids from feeling like their father abandoned them. I don't have the financial means to live on my own as a single father. I feel stuck.
Edit: I was just venting about some frustrations I'm having. I'm not blaming her, or our ex, or non-mono, just the set of circumstances that I fell into, and my own insecuritie
... keep reading on reddit ➡My (34m) girlfriend (23f) of 1 year and I have been in a non-monogamous relationship since the beginning, but her requirements (which I agreed with) was that it would be limited to one night stands and similar kinds of unattached play. We have a LDR but see each other for at least a couple of days every week. When we're together we are intense, passionate, usually good sex, good communication and very loving. When we're apart, we talk daily but both struggle with the distance and the feeling of separation. Personally I struggle with jealousy which I can trace back to a very traumatic experience with a girlfriend and a close friend when I was younger. I want to work on it and the following incident is probably the kick up the arse I needed to figure things out.
Recently she started seeing another guy, they have been friends for some time but it turned sexual about two weeks ago. She has told me that she would like to carry on seeing him because the sex is good and very different to the sex her and I have. She initially denied that she has feelings for him but later admitted that she does. When she raised this with me she quoted what he apparently told her - that what she does with her body is all her decision (totally true of course) and that I shouldn't have a say in this.
I felt like I was being forced into accepting him as part of her life in a relationship style that I didn't consent with, and that he was a driving force behind this. Of course it's true that her body is hers and she can do what she wants but I'm not obliged to consent to a polyamorous relationship either (even though I'm quite positive towards the idea in general I cannot rush into this and need to work through my jealousy issues slowly and carefully). A useful analogue for me was thinking about other situations of consent - for example if a lover asked to be fucked without a condom (a definite "rule" for us) then it would definitely be a problem for both of us even though it is "my body".
My initial reaction was that we needed to break up. This provoked quite a dramatic reaction in her (tears, expressions of love etc) and it became clear her priority was to stay with me.
Right now I'm not sure how to proceed. I feel that this guy is not respectful of our relationship and the boundaries that she initially set for her and I, but I don't want to stop her having sex which is teaching her new things about herself and her body.
My partner has decided to break up with me due to our “differences in viewing non monogamy”. His idea of a “relationship” is to have no expectations or obligations, and no boundaries. People are independent entities (especially without any formal binding like living together, future plans, consideration of the other person in life choices) and the relationship is only happening when it’s good and everyone are happy. Their agendas fit perfectly and there is no room for compromise because need for independence and therefore expectations from a relationship has to be parallel. There are no resentments if people part their ways, because it’s only here and now, no promises. If another person needs help,there’s no expectation of receiving it from the other person because people should be self sufficient. There’s no dependence on the other person. People can see other people whenever they please and how they please, without considering other person. Am I the only one to think this is not a relationship but a casual thing? Is he an non ethical asshole? EDIT: I didn’t include all details here, but in my opinion it’s unethical to treat people this way even if they know the format. Of course he won’t say “I don’t care about you at all, you’re fine only if you accommodate MY needs” to someone’s face. He’ll say “I just want it casual”. But he’s said it to me, that this is how he feels about people. During the breakup he was honest with me though. I am aware we’re clearly incompatible if this is his idea, but I find it hurtful and tokenist to people in general. EDIT2: This revelation have developed 4 years into the relationship, 2 years into marriage.
To give some background Mid 30's male. So after some ups and down in our relationship recently we have been working to get closer. One thing that has come out of it is we realized our emotional commitment is that good and overall we are good at communication. My now wife was my first, up until now I've never really thought about it. But with the pandemic and working on my us I think I am feeling left out I never got to go and meet people. She has even mentioned going out to "sow wild oats" that I used to rebuff. I think with a newfound commitment to get back in shape for my own health and us working on our issues these feelings around this are coming up. I would never lie or cheat on her. I'm even seeing a therapist to review these feelings. I don't think there is one definition of why people choose non monogamy but I am interested to hear if others had this feeling?
Hey ENM community,
Yesterday I have seen a post from u/austindesigns1 asking for some more balance and less crisis in this subreddit. I've observed that most of the calls for help come from humans who are either very new to ENM or are struggling with a partner proposing to give it a try. That's why I decided to put together a guide for people to get started with ENM. I hope that my words are helpful and might contribute to happier ENM setups for newcomers.
This article is meant for couples who have already decided that they are both curious about non-monogamy and want to give it a shot. Having that talk with your partner is a topic which I will discuss another day. With this piece, I want to provide guidance for humans who are interested in all kinds of non-monogamous relationships. From my experience, this whole thing is a looong journey of self-discovery and growth. It's impossible for you to predict where you will end up. Embrace the uncertainty. Life is about to get a whole lot more exciting. Ethical non-monogamy is not just about opening your pants, it's about opening your mind. So, don't restrict yourself too much. Else, you might miss a masterclass in becoming yourself.
The thought of your partner experiencing sexual ecstasy with someone else is beyond scary. The first time I opened up a monogamous relationship was nothing short of blood-curdling. My whole system was flooded with jealousy. My legs were shaking, my hands jittery. Yet, I was convicted that I was doing the right thing. I was proud of myself that my emotions weren't restricting the freedom of my partner. A two-day holiday fling under the night sky of Rome, Italy.
Photo by El Salanzo on Unsplash
I will use the term open relationship to describe all kinds of non-monogamous setup, including polyamory, swinging, and everything else.
Sometimes we want something without knowing exactly why. A happy open relationship starts with self-awareness. So carve out at least an hour of your schedule and think about why you want to open your relationship. Some of the most common reasons are:
Hi all, I have been in an amazing 5 year relationship with my girlfriend but the entire time, I have felt the desire to be with other people. This feeling made me incredibly guilty as my girlfriend has never felt this way. My girlfriend is amazing and has been super patient and understanding with my feelings in this way and we have had the talk about a hall pass before but kind of left it there. Recently, with my girlfriend and I starting to get into big commitments together, this urge and guilt has been rising. The thoughts, "will I ever be able to be with another person" has crossed my mind many times. Sometimes they are intrusive and it is all I can think throughout the day, even while I'm working.
I recently starting seeing a therapist and she has started the conversation that I might be poly. My girlfriend is not okay with me seeing multiple people romantically but might be okay with me being able to explore my sexuality a bit, given that we keep setting boundaries and having conversations so that we know what to expect.
My therapist has been amazing so far trying to reconcile my guilt with these feelings. She has been so forthcoming about exploring my sexuality like helping me find out that I *might* be bi-curious and want to explore that and literally telling me to ask my girlfriend if she would want a threesome with my current female roommate. It's been a whirlwind of thoughts since our last session and I just wanted to kind of rant. Thanks for reading all and let me know what you think!
Edit: would like to add on that the threesome with the roommate is out of question and the only reason I think the therapist suggested it was because all three of us (roommate, gf, and I) are all super good friends and hang out all the time. Plus I’ve lived with the roommate for longer than I’ve been with the GF. Again, this is our of question and not happening 😅
Edit2: sorry for the title but I don’t think my therapist was being pushy. She introduced the idea that I might be poly or be interested in some type of ENM. She brought up a few ways I could potentially explore those feelings and left me with the homework of what I would feel comfortable with and seeing what my girlfriend would feel comfortable with. That included ways that I could potentially explore ENM or poly. She didn’t say I had to do anything, just things to consider/think about.
I have a question and I don't know if this is the right place to ask but I feel comfortable here and also I have heard ENM mentioned here before. I tried looking for the information online but I didn't find anything.
Is there a name for the partner of a polyamorous person who isn't polyamorous themselves but doesn't mind that their partner is?
I am not yet ready to date but I was just thinking of options for when I am. I am not polyamorous but I wouldn't rule out a partner who was, as I wouldn't mind not being their only one, so I was just wondering if there was a name for that.
I kept getting the term unicorn when searching for this, and I know what that means and that's not what I am ever wanting to be! I wouldn't care if a partner had other partners but I wouldn't want to know them or be involved in any way.
I hope this isn't offensive or silly in any way!
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