I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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There’s no place like home for the holidays.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thinksecretly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.

No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out. It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicker87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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One-line vampire jokes for Halloween

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

β€˜Long time, no see!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: β€œOccupation?” The German replies:

β€œNo, just a holiday.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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My Dad Literally Just Said This

So me and my Dad are talking when my Dad says this...

Dad: "Did you hear about the guy who just got back from holiday?"

Me: "No, what happened?"

Dad: "The Airline lost all of his luggage, so he went to sue them but the judge said he had no 'case'"

He couldn't stop grinning.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamertroid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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"What time will dinner be ready?"

"Around a quarter past."

My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.

"When do you plan on going on holiday this year?

"Around a quarter past."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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A visitor at my job nailed me with this one

I work in a historic house all decorated for the holidays. Visitor comes in: "Can we take pictures here?" Me: "Yes, just no flash." Visitor: "But we can take pictures right?" Me: "Yes....." Visitor points at the wall. "I want that one."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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dad-joked my dad twice

Parents were visiting for the holiday, my dad and I were talking about a little project we wanted to do. He said "I might be willing to do that if I was so inclined" He was standing up, so I paused and said "Well, you look pretty vertical right now, so I guess that's a no"

A short while later, I had run some errands, and when I came home, my dad was laying on the couch. I asked him about the project, since he was now inclined.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tullyswimmer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
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Every time me and my dad are at the checkout..

Checkout person (male or female - no one is spared): do you want help with your packing?

Dad: well yes, if you don't mind. I'm going away on holiday tomorrow!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Little_dot_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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Every time I go back to my parents house and am asked to take the bins out.

Me: Where's your bin?

Dad: On holiday.

Me: No where's your wheelie bin?

Dad: I wheelie been on holiday!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hooof_hearted
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Giving out dadjokes for Xmas

My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.

"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemthenga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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Didn't see that one coming...

Dad: Did I tell you about the holiday party I went to last week?

Me: No...

Dad: I met a woman with a Merry Christmas tattoo on one thigh, and a Happy New Year tattoo on the other. She said that everyone was welcome to come up between the holidays.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrtitkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Out with my grandfatherly coworker for a beer

The last day of work before the holiday shutdown, an older coworker and me went out for a beer after work. The waitress brought us out bottles and asked "Would you like glasses?" to which he pulled out his safety glasses and said "No, we're covered."
She looked at him, shook her head and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyTheBunny
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Dad-joked a friend, then a few days later, karma dad-joked me spectacularly in return

I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).

While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.

Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.

β€˜Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?

[confusion]

β€˜Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’

β€˜Er..’

β€˜Well’, I says, β€˜a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’

Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.

So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.

Karma, however, had other plans…

A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bimshire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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The word we were looking for was "Sternos..."

Planning out the holiday potluck in the company kitchen.

M: Hey do we have any more of those things to keep the food hot? The chafing dish things. What do you call those?

G: I think they're Bunsen B-... wait no.

B: Burners?

M: Yeah but there's another word for them

G: Yeah. What is it?

B: Burners.

M: No that's not right.

....

M: We should ask Sean Paul. He would know

.... ?

M: Cause he be burnin'.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fullanalpanic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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