No Concrete Answer Given.
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyUserNameBoring
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Ok babe, I have a question. I'm pretty sure the answer is no...

...but what is the opposite of yes?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/artvandelay440
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...

...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mihaaal2481
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Any time you ask a Spaniard a question you can be sure to get a straight yes or no answer.

Nobody expects the Spanish indecision.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer.

The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?"

The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I called 911 twice today - and no answer...

I tell you: those guys at 1822 are the worst.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proborc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.

It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/degco44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
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No matter the situation, this is his answer...

Waitress: How was the meal?

Dad: It was awful... AWFUL GOOD

Smiles for 10 minutes in delight

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coldplaying
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.

Well, finders kippers.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilackan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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??
πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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"What’s your name, son?"

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 676
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aye_its_soya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I asked my son, "Hey, what do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?" He shrugged and said he had no idea, so I answered…

"A rock and roll band!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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A man is staying in a hotel.

He walks up to the front desk and says, β€œSorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, β€œNo problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethanssss
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I tried calling the tinnitus help line.

There was no answer, it just kept ringing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LongDecision1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I just called the zoo to complain about the caged baguette. No one answered.

All the lions were busy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floppy_dizk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/John87Nintendo
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Supermilk

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word β€œlegendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, β€œNo, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damark81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Does anyone know what LGBTQ means?

No one is giving me a straight answer

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathyDre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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My High School chemistry teacher gave us this pun quiz
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyaleWithMayo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked a friend for one reason I shouldn't murder my boss.

His answer was simple. There is no Netflix in prison.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my son asked me if I had seen the new movie "The truck"

I answered: "No, but i saw the trailer yesterday."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandHaterAni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Obi wan and Anakin meet at a force ghost party.

Obi wan: Okay Anakin, answer this. Imagine, I am on a planet, very far away from yours. And I was out of range of all forms of communication.

Anakin: Okay...and?

Obi wan: And there was an urgent message, that you had to send me. How would you send it, when no messaging service would get to me?

Anakin: Simple. I would send it with sand. It gets everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clone_Writer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What be a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

(You answer Arrrrr)

Dad punchline: No matey, it be the Seaaaaaa.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wormfather
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Watson and Holmes go out camping.

Holmes noticed that Watson was looking a bit sick for a few days.

"What's wrong, Watson?", he asked. "You seem a bit down."

"Nothing, Holmes. Just having some stomach problems." Watson said. "Constipation, you know. I've suffered for a while."

"Constipation? So you have trouble answering the, ahem, nature's call?" Holmes asked.

"No shit, Sherlock."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ribdunge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so...he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me...

Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help?

The Allosaurus.

He earned a high-five for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MissBecka
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/birdmanjeremy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joke level: 911 EMEREGENCY

Not my dad but I saw this and automatically thought of dad jokes.. http://imgur.com/eZSMsbq

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WildCard261
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
🚨︎ report
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.

The answer was no.

πŸ‘︎ 225
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a pet store...

And asks the proprietor if she could recommend a bird cage. The shopkeeper replies that she has both plastic and metal varieties.

β€œWell what kind of metal is used in the metal one?” he asks?

β€œI’m not sure. Aluminum, I think,” she responds.

β€œDo you happen to know if it contains any nickel?”

β€œNo, I don’t believe it does,” she answers, looking puzzled.

β€œAh,” says the man. β€œSo what you’re saying is that it’s a nickel-less cage.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth-noxious
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
One my actual father said to me

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:

β€œPicabo, I.C.U.”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadar-Kai-Rogue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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My boyfriend is getting tired of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked him how I could stop my addiction.

He said "Whatever means necessary." I answered "No it doesn't."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/municipalplant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?

An elephant-rhinoceros.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/epicpants
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I keep asking what LGBT+ stands for,

but no one will give me a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asks me all the time β€œDaddy, can you put my shoes on?”

β€œNo, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says β€œsilly daddy”. She’s 3 :)

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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