My boss said he was going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch it's going to be me
Today, after flicking an unlatched tick off of my stepson, I set it on fire (because why not). Anyways, I figured this might belong here...
Older Stepson, to younger stepson: "He set a tick on fire today!"
Me, leaning in to fiance's ear: "Dad, are we setting a tick on fire?" -pause- "Yes, we arson."
My fiance who usually scoffs at my dad jokes/humor: "...that was pretty good."
This just happened a few moments ago and I came in to share this with you all.
I work as a janitor and my boss said he’d fire me if I didn’t stop turning everything into an R.E.M parody.
I said “Well that’s pee in the corner…”
I had to fire the guy that mows my lawn
My daughter painted her fire truck the wrong color.
Ten minutes before the fire alarm went off my friend Steve was standing in the parking lot wearing his jacket.
I never knew he suffers from premature evacuation
I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today
I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas
My niece was playing doll house and she said there's an accident in the kitchen and its on fire and her doll was burning
she said it became a barbie-q
I set fire to my classroom
I guess you could say that physics class is "lit"
My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."
"Then you’ll have a match!"
I just got locked out of my fire place
I had too many failed log-in attempts
I was playing a round of paintball, and told my teammates to fire at will.
My bad, turns out Will was on our team too.
I had to fire the kid who was mowing my lawn.
He just wasn't cutting it.
My wife with the dad fire
Our teenage son was explaining about the Luna moth, apparently in the moth stage of its life cycle it doesn't have a mouth. It gorges during the caterpillar stage, and spends its moth life on reproduction, eventually starving to death.
My wife, without blinking an eye says, "Hungry little fuckers".
I bowed to her superiority.
Insurance just called. They said the rates are being raised on my Chevy Bolt EUV due to the battery fire risk.
The conversation:
“You’re raising my rates?? I’m fuming right now! Let me speak to your manager as I have some burning questions!”
“How much are you raising my rates?”
- “A lot, they’re going to reach new Fahrenheits”
“I am heated!”
- “I’m sorry sir. We will keep it as manageable as possible since you have fantastic driving history - we want you to know we view you as a real bright spark”
“Thank you, I am de-lighted”
My ex-wife called to tell me that “my son” was arrested for setting a house on fire.
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
Edit: Thanks for my first ever Gold! I have no idea what it does but it sure is shiny =]
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
A pyromaniac from my hometown accidentally killed himself in a fire, but nobody even showed up to identify the body.
My wife saw me almost catch myself on fire, after putting gas on a campfire.
She yelled “What are you, retardant!?”
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”
REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day
I would say my puns are on fire
But I’m afraid of what might happen
I was cold while in my kayak so I lit a fire and it sunk
Shows you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
She’s not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me...
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.
I had to fire my fruit delivery guy today.
I hate to let the mango, but he was driving me bananas!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn...
I had to fire the guy I hired to cut my lawn
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch that it might be me.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
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