"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
Ugh too much sugar I'm drowning here!
I've been stressed out recently with too much work.
So I went to a restaurant to treat myself. When I got my food i was too uptight to finish it.
I guess I have too much on my plate.
What do you call an popular clown that eats too much?
If the island of Maui gets too much more rain...
It'll become the Isn'tland of Maui.
What happens if you eat too much ice cream at DQ?
I think i spent way too much on this table
It is just not a foldable.
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter?
What do you call a triangle thats had too much to drink?
A fraction too much friction
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I bought too much food at the store.
It'll probably last until the end of the year.
Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss??
I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 12:22 pm on September 23rd of last year.
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.
Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
If Dad takes too much aspirin, what should mom do?
What did the edible fungus say when it ate too much food
I haven’t got mush-room in my stomach.
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
I was told I second guess myself too much..
Did you hear what happened to the Native Americans who drank too much tea?
They drowned in there tipi
What happens if you drink too much history?
European History.
H/t Mr Miller from 1982. This was how he started class.
I think about this way too much but I think it's comedy gold!
Mother in law to sister in law: why aren't you in pennsylvania this week
Me: because she's here at the table with us
I didn't mean to take too much of my anxiety medication
What do you say to an arachnid that worries too much about everything?
Please, don't be so dramatick!
I wasn’t paying attention and poured too much creamer in my coffee
My bee neighbors are so annoying, they talk way too much.
They just drone on and on.
A Navy captain got in trouble for ordering an anchor much too large for his ship
I liked this a little too much, had to steel it.
My son ate too much Easter candy one year, and threw it all up making loud wailing sounds as he did so.
I didn't want to hear another Peep out of him.
This book was shortened too much.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
Edit: Whoa, thanks for 250 upvotes!
Edit 2: 500 upvotes for a dad joke I made up on the fly? Thanks so much to everyone!
My wife tells me I’ve spent too much money on mirrors.
I guess it’s time for some self-reflection.
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”
...”You’re much bigger than that.”
What does the mafia do when cows know too much?
Not my joke but I love this too much not to share
Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
How does a crab feel when it eats too much?
For those who read too much
If you’re trying to say a word that you’ve only ever seen in print, you’re speaking hyphonetically.
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