A list of puns related to "I Have Dreamed"
My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'
Doctor: What does the writing say?
Patient: Pull.
Itโs been 6 nights on the trot!
Can anyone help me with these knightmares?
Thatโs my Fanta sea.
I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I woke up absolutely exhausted.
The doctor said, โRelax, youโre two tents.โ
Oh, that's easy, said the doctor: you're two tents. (too tense)
Therapist: You need to relax. Youโre two tents.
I had it last night, thatโs five nights on the trott!
I keep getting ab-duct-taped by aliens.
My wife says it's nonsense.
"is that common?"
It's not unusual
She keeps me grounded.
She said, โFinally! You are battling your Damons.โ
I had a dream the other night where I got myself and some buddies good tickets, in row B to a baseball game. So weโre making our way to the seats, but we can see that the bottom two rows of seats are completely submerged in water. The game is still going on as normal, but we have to take it in from the stairs. I looked at my buddies and said โBoys Iโm sorry, this isnโt what I had in mind when I bought seats below C levelโ.
I woke up exhausted.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyโre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โIโd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ it says. โSorry, but I canโt serve you,โ the bartender replies. โYouโre out of your head.โ
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โWe donโt serve your kind here,โ the bartender says. โWhy not?โ one yogurt asks. โWeโre cultured.โ
A friend of mine didnโt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereโs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โWhat are you staring at? Havenโt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ The guy says, โItโs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โWhatโs with the paper towel?โ The pirate says, โArrr! Iโve got a Bounty on me head!โ
A turtle is crossing the road when heโs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โI donโt know. It all happened so fast.โ
Armed robbersโsome say theyโre a drain on society, but youโve got to give it to them.
Barbersโฆyou have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donโt forget the pickle. Itโs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit โกhttp://imgur.com/hIfngKQ
My dad used to always say that to me when I was younger, and it was infuriating. One day I will have my revenge...
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metalโฆ Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of โโStairway to Heavenโโ. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner canโt help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that heโs a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, heโs always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time heโll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything heโs ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that theyโll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before heโs even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. โโThank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of โStairway to Heavenโ, but tonight, I figured Iโd do some original compositions. I hope you like them.โโ He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like โโpineapple sauce!โโ and โโlove and hate are second cousins!โโ. He screams then whispers, playing notes that donโt make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet itโs justโฆ horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h
... keep reading on reddit โกI am marrying the most incredible woman on October 2nd, She is my dream woman in some ways, and re-wrote what my dream woman is in others - some were ways that I did not know were options, so I didn't dream of a woman having it!
So I am writing my vows and I am writing a bit about how I love her and end it with:
"Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you."
Wedding is on October 2nd and I cannot wait to drop this beauty on everyone!
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. Theyโre all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe theyโd find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesnโt come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when theyโre not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasnโt even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. โIโm done. I canโt do this anymore.โ Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. Heโs in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He canโt believe that heโs down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. โIโll have my usual,โ he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. โHey buddy, why the long face?โ
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit โกThe moth drops down into the nearest chair and says โWhatโs the problem?โ
Moth says โI donโt even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and Iโm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and Iโve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters weโve ever had to face in this region. Isnโt it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isnโt that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then thereโs my son. Doc, I donโt love him anymore. I donโt know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasnโt such a coward, Doc, I know Iโd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, Iโd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. Iโm judgemental yet I care about nothing. Iโm bitter, hateful and afraid. Iโm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.โ
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says โJeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But Iโm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Whyโd you come in here?โ
The moth says,โYour light was on.โ
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
I informed him that I have been having odd dreams. He says to me, tell me about them. This first night, I dreamt that I was a Wig Wam. And the night before, I dreamt I was a Tee Pee. I asked him, What does this mean. My therapist told me that - - I was Too tents! ๐คฃ
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsโs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorโs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
โWellโ said Jeff, โAs Iโm sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
โYes of courseโ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit โกActually it's probably more of a knight mare
He said relax, you're two tents.
But then I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
Last night I dreamt I was a car muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
It's a living nightmare
... And I woke up exhausted.
Patient: I keep having this awful dream, where I'm in front of a door with writing on it, and I push and push but it won't open.
Doctor: What does the writing say?
Patient: Pull.
I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
(I saw a sign with a picture of a chicken and this text on it earlier today and immediately thought of you guys!)
I guess she just wanted me to have sweet dreams.
This subreddit made me remember when I was 13ish, my dad had to bring in a plummer to help replace the water tank in the house (we lived on a well). I came in the room and they were having a LOT of trouble.
After they told me how bad it was, I said, "That sounds terrible... well... I guess it was just a pipe dream..."
I want to say I remember a slight chuckle, but was still shooed out of the room.
Man: "Doc, ya gotta help me. I keep having this reoccurring dream".
Doctor: " Hmm... Tell me what is troubling you".
Man: "Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a Tee-Pee, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tee-Pee, I'm a Wigwam. Over and over again".
Doctor : "I know exactly what the issue is".
Man: "Really? Well what is it?"
Doctor: "You're two tents".
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโt think theyโll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
โEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โThe good news is..itโll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ
Whatโs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
โIโll call you later!โ- โPlease donโt do that. Iโve always asked you to call me Dad!โ
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
โMy dad literally told me this one last week: โDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โโ
โWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โNo, just leave it in the carton!โโ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnโt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iโve ever read, Iโd say: โWow, thatโs coincidental.โ
Iโm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itโs house? Igloos it together.
โMe: โDad, make me a sandwich!โ Dad: โPoof, Youโre a sandwich!โโ
โI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
โHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโre all girls, otherwise theyโd be uncles.โ
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ its pasteurized before you even see it
โWhatโs Forrest Gumpโs password? 1forrest1โ
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โDonโt worry; this is a piece of cake.โ I said: โNo, itโs a math problem.โ
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donโt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit โกPatient: Doctor, I keep having this awful dream. I'm in a dimly lit room, in front of a door with writing on it, and i'm pushing and pushing and the door just won't open!
Doctor: What does the writing say?
Patient: Pull.
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