I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 556
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 114
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
Man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "I keep thinking I'm a French pair of shoes."
Psychiatrist says, "What makes you chasseur?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
π︎ 793
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
A friend of mine just said to me βIβm training to be garbage manβ
I said βYou donβt need training for that! You just pick it up as you go alongβ
π︎ 65
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
π︎ 157
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
Iβm representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.
Iβm expecting a long sentence
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
I'm going to be a Renaissance man ...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
A man walks into Apple and says βHi, Iβm after an iPhone 11β
The assistant says βOk Iβll serve the iPhone 11 first thenβ
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"
The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 28 2018
Iβm a bald man and Iβm thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 06 2019
Iβm a man of my word
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I'm a shell of a man
Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.
After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!
Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.
"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"
The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.
Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"
The saleswoman says sure and asks why.
The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
I had breakfast at The Mesa Grill and got food poisoning. My lawyer said that I had a good case, but I'm a man.
I just didn't wanna sue Flay.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 25 2018
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Iβm looking for the man who shot my paw."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 19 2019
Itβs a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory wonβt happen. After all, Iβm sure the strategy would have...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 09 2019
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 14 2019
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
π︎ 62
π
︎ Jan 18 2019
I'm organising a funeral for the world's fattest man
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 22 2019
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
π︎ 95
π
︎ Jan 31 2018
I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 29 2019
I'm a man who likes to drive with high heels on...
π︎ 55
π
︎ Apr 27 2018
A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling "I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!"
A nurse approaches him and says "Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient."
π︎ 98
π
︎ Jan 18 2018
A man introduced himself by saying "I'm gay"
I thought it was a queer way to say hello
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 24 2018
I'm writing a book about a man who is not interested in women's breasts.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 17 2018
I'm doing a one man show about puns at my local theater.....
......it's a play on words.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 19 2018
I'm a man who doesn't call "rivers," rivers.
That's just too mainstream.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 10 2017
As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...
Yes, he left a pauper trail.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 07 2019
I'm a Muslim man dating an atheist woman
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 24 2016
"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bridge!" "What's come over you, man?"
"So far two cars, a truck, and a bus."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 03 2018
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."
Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 29 2018
I lent money to a blind man the other day, bug now Iβm a bit worried
He said heβll pay me back when he sees me again
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 12 2018
I'm going to move to West London. I'm really going to do it, I'm going to be a man of action.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 20 2017
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
A man sitting in an interrogation room says βIβm not saying anything without my lawyer present!β
The policeman says βYou are the lawyer!β
βExactly, so whereβs my present?β Replies the lawyer.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
π︎ 39
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
A man came to the doctor and said "you have to help me I'm shrinking", the doctor turned to him and said "I'm sorry you'll have to be a little patient"
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 29 2019
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Iβm looking for the man who shot my paw."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
A man in court says, "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."
Cop: "But you are the lawyer..."
Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
π︎ 73
π
︎ Sep 29 2018
A man in an interrogation room says βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present.β
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so whereβs my present?
First saw it on badjokesbyjeff
π︎ 102
π
︎ May 09 2018
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.