I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...

and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

πŸ‘︎ 556
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."

"That's slander, man."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slashycent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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Man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "I keep thinking I'm a French pair of shoes."

Psychiatrist says, "What makes you chasseur?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, β€œDoctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, β€œSorry, I don’t follow you."

πŸ‘︎ 793
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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A friend of mine just said to me β€œI’m training to be garbage man”

I said β€œYou don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopinsbach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.

I’m expecting a long sentence

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jepeggys
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A man in an interrogation room says, β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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I'm going to be a Renaissance man ...

... or go Baroque trying

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-ifeelfantastic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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A man walks into Apple and says β€œHi, I’m after an iPhone 11”

The assistant says β€œOk I’ll serve the iPhone 11 first then”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"

The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorJaywah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m a bald man and I’m thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.

From a distance they will look like hares.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CineArma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I’m a man of my word

*T & C apply

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lollipock777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had breakfast at The Mesa Grill and got food poisoning. My lawyer said that I had a good case, but I'm a man.

I just didn't wanna sue Flay.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."

I asked "Which one are you then?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory won’t happen. After all, I’m sure the strategy would have...

Rectum.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeraldzoroark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...

He's a mad keeler!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."

The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopar199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm organising a funeral for the world's fattest man

That's a big undertaking

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TISparta217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiwibornaussie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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I'm a man who likes to drive with high heels on...

I call it drag racing.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Striddy2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling "I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!"

A nurse approaches him and says "Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient."

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ickyfeet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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A man introduced himself by saying "I'm gay"

I thought it was a queer way to say hello

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swaggerkid_2005
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm writing a book about a man who is not interested in women's breasts.

It's Un-tit-led.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm doing a one man show about puns at my local theater.....

......it's a play on words.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm a man who doesn't call "rivers," rivers.

That's just too mainstream.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokingJuiceBoxes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
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As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...

Yes, he left a pauper trail.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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I'm a Muslim man dating an atheist woman

She's my haram bae

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rvermilion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
🚨︎ report
"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bridge!" "What's come over you, man?"

"So far two cars, a truck, and a bus."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustJosh724
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."

Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I lent money to a blind man the other day, bug now I’m a bit worried

He said he’ll pay me back when he sees me again

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brentobot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm going to move to West London. I'm really going to do it, I'm going to be a man of action.

Sorry, a man of Acton.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
🚨︎ report
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sitting in an interrogation room says β€œI’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”

The policeman says β€œYou are the lawyer!”

β€œExactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stvbckwth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A man in an interrogation room says, β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man came to the doctor and said "you have to help me I'm shrinking", the doctor turned to him and said "I'm sorry you'll have to be a little patient"
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alice_bae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A man in court says, "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."

Cop: "But you are the lawyer..." Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AYKW
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A man in an interrogation room says β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

First saw it on badjokesbyjeff

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapphicGarnet
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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