My personal favorite so far:
What does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles!
Runner up: Why do pirates struggle with the alphabet? They get lost at C!
I said, "Good luck with that, the floor is lava!"
Me Why?
"That depends how good you are at catching mice."
Called it the Crust-station
It's called Toe-fu
Do I Keep The Letters?
Me; Excuse me, what?
My daughter was telling me about driving through the countryside and seeing a pack of coyotes in a pasture in the middle of the day.
I said, "Those must have been some exceptional specimens."
Against her better judgment she asked, "Why do you say that?"
I replied, "Because they were out standing in their field!"
You have well over 180 degrees!
So I’ve taken steps to avoid them
Thrown out of the aquarium
It aged like fine swine!
The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, "Merry Christmas, hun! Don't get up, I have a surprise for you - as your first Christmas present, I'm going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed... Eggs Benedict!"
"Wow, great!" says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict - fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he's never seen before. Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
"This is wonderful, darling!" the husband says, "But what's with the fancy plate, did you get it special for today?"
"Of course I did," beams the wife, "it's Christmas!..."
"... There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Jesus is walking in Jerusalem when he sees Benjamin Goldstein, the robemaker.
“Excuse me, Ben? I have been told that you are the man to see when you want to have robes that will last walking for miles and being touched by hundreds at a time”
Goldstein ponders for a minute, then an idea comes to him. He makes Jesus the most beautiful robes ever made, all colors and the softest but most durable material Jesus had ever seen. Jesus was grateful and wandered off to give sermons.
About a year goes by, and Jesus finds his way back to Goldstein. “Pardon me, Ben? The robes you made me were magnificent, but as all good things do, these are now well worn. Can you make me another?”
Goldstein takes a moment to plan out his masterpiece, then proceeds to make a second robe that put the first robe to shame. It almost glowed in the sunlight. While delivering it, he told Jesus, “you know, since I made your last robes, I have seen more customers come through my doors than I could ever have hoped for, and I’m sure I’ll get even more from these ones! Hey, Jesus! We should start a company!”
Jesus inquired “what should we call it?”
Goldstein shrugs and suggests, “how about Jesus and Goldstein’s robes?”
Jesus looks back and says, “let’s call it Lord and Tailor”
Have you heard the one about short-term memory loss?
He only retrieves tennis balls.
However, you weren’t completely clear.
It was spam
I played tennis in the morning before going in, I didn't change or anything, left the silly half hat and the entire outfit on. Showed up and introduced myself by saying "nice to meet you all, I'm Dan, your new super visor."
He goes by the name "Ultra Sound" - For all your memorable events, I deliver.
DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".
Any kind of joke are allow but obviously no racist/ suicidal joke. Thanks
He's a humanitarian.
I haven’t eaten since 2022
(Happy new year)
I replied, "well give me the one that she did make!"
Gracias.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said' "Here, the bill is $1500."
"$1500!" the woman exclaimed. "How much for the rest of the duck?"
Free. They’re on the house.
He was hiding in plane sight
Get over him already babe
I didn’t get it, though the answer was obvious.
Landlord: You looked directly into the camera.
Me Why?
Me "why?"
