I'm Sorry Puns

Me why?

I feel so defeeted.

Dad: Here, have a happytizer.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

It’s in my jenes

I once tried telling a chemistry joke

But i got no reaction

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

It's a little hoarse.

Room tempera-churros.

(sorry bad English)

Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium?

A: HeHe

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

... I think it's caught the car owner virus"

They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".

Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!

She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.

[Looking over cart full of TP]

Me: "Nice to meet you Rationing, I'm Hoarding"

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

Dad: "Yeah, but she has a great personality."

What’s a black hole’s favorite bedtime activity? . . . Eating mass

..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”

What did the hungry horse say to the man that bumped into him? “Hay now”

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

I was just looking for Mute.

Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”

Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”

Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”

Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”

Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”

Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”

Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”

Guy and dog leave.

Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”

Kid: Get out of my room

Dad: Please don't drive us out

Kid: I'm not old enough to drive yet, you're gonna have to drive yourself out

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

Me: Communication problems in the department? It’s the first I’m hearing about it.

The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"

Unless you're at a funeral

The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

______________________________________

But I have bratwurst

I prefer two night stands. It makes my room look more symmetrical.

...did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”

I told a pilot to try my cooking

He said it was plane

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

“... I cantaloupe”

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv4dvNwHdw8/?utm_source=ig_web_options_share_sheet

http://m.imgur.com/qrjFGOs

It has way too much cent-imental value.

Your days are numbered.

Professor: All I want is that you turn in your essay.

Dad: I'm not Dying, I'm Dad!

The scientist was arrested for smuggling hematite. He was caught red handed! If he wore gloves, he could have had a stainless steal

Me;

Man: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality”

But i never apologize.

The husband handed the baby back and said "well then, give me the one my wife did make!"