I'm walking with my gf and parents towards a private pier on a lake. My parents go on the pier to check it out. My gf is hesitant since it's private property. I tell her if everyone else is doing it, then it's ok.

She was facing a lot of pier pressure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/clit_or_us
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 26 2022
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I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing itโ€ฆ

โ€ฆto make hens meet.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 228
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 08 2020
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I'm sure there are plenty of televangelists who aren't just doing it for the money

But I feel like a lot of them are just preaching to acquire.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/fightswithbears
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 04 2019
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Dad: I'm doing it! After 12 hours of fasting I'm finally breaking my fast!

takes a bite of eggs and toast

Wife: ugh, "do you have to do this every morning?"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 23 2019
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Iโ€™ve gained axis to the texts!
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 556
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/manorialPiquet
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 01 2023
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The pandemic has been hard on my gym routine. I just can't seem to get back in the groove. But I did find one exercise that I can do at home every single day. Honestly, it's my favorite exercise - and I'm seeing pretty significant gains!

Diddly Squats

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ericmbailey
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 19 2022
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I'm a real 'do it yourselfer'

Every time someone asks me to help them out I say "do it yourself"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FarmingFriend
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 31 2022
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I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

I can do it with my eyes closed!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cockneybastard
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 18 2022
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I Wish My Real Dentist Was As Enameled By My Puns reddit.com/gallery/1093fuโ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 95
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BloodyPommelStudio
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 11 2023
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These animal puns I found at the Zoo are all keepers.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 101
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/EndersGame_Reviewer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 11 2022
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Friend had a unique idea for Christmas gift
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Tokke552
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 29 2022
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My life storyโ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bellpop
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 27 2022
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I wrote this Dad joke and I'm proud of it. What do you call any container that isn't a can?

A can't.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BroJob_Biggs
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 05 2021
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Why my group chat hates my friend and me reddit.com/gallery/y8l8u4
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 145
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Infamous-Mastodon210
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 20 2022
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There was a note behind my windshield wiper that said "parking fine"

That made me feel really good.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Ok_Presence36
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 09 2022
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It's 5AM and I'm still doing my dyslexia homework

I haven't spelt all night.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/incredibleinkpen
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 20 2021
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A zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets to heaven he goes up to St. Peter and asks him: "St. Peter? The whole time I was alive, I've always wondered: Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

St. Peter responds: " Hmm. That's a good question. You're gonna have to take that up with the big guy." (meaning god)

So the zebra goes to God and repeats his question.

God responds with "Well, you are what you are."

The zebra's face lights up and he goes running back to St. Peter yelling "I know what I am! I know what I am!"

St Peter says "Okay, okay! Calm down. What are you?"

Zebra: "I'm white with black stripes!"

St. Peter: "How do you figure that?"

Zebra: "It's because when I asked God what I am, he said 'you are what you are'. If I was black with white stripes, he would've said 'you is what you is'!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bondubras
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2023
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I've never been more proud of my son.

My son (16) is playing a video game where you can pick up a bunch of different weapons. He always asks me "Which is better?" and I'll stop what I'm doing to give my input. The following conversation just happened...

S: This? or this? (Sword or wheel)

Me: Obviously the wheel.

10 minutes later...

S: This wheel is bad. It doesn't do any damage.

Me: Switch to something else.

S: But I just got it 10 minutes ago. I can't just get rid of it like that... it's... no I gotta keep using it... it's... it's WHEELY good.

It's all downhill from here folks.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 64
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/O351USMC
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 17 2022
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The amputation made him one foot shorter.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ReedePonderAndGrone
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 17 2022
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How much does a cup of coffee cost in space?

A Starbuck.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 71
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/superevilmonkey
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 14 2022
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I'm sorry man, I had to do it
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/klarcacariaga
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 17 2020
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There was once a man named Bob who really loved tractors [Long]

He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.

One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.

After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.

After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.

After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.

A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"

Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Autismic123
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 22 2023
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Did you know sea mammals have a Southern drawl?

If you ask one how its doing, it will respond "I'M WHALE"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RemnantReturning
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 06 2023
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I don't play soccer because I enjoy it.

I'm just doing it for the kicks

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kingslayer7709
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 13 2023
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$20?

So my son came up to me the other day, and said "dad, I'm going out with friends. Can I have $20?".

So I asked him "$15, what the hell do you need $10 for? "

I heard this joke like 20 years ago and I still chuckle when I think of it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mnelso1989
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 13 2022
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Wanted: Industrial Fabrication Dad Joke

So I work at an industrial fabrication and welding shop. Every week management holds a brief floor meeting to cover a topic related to industrial safety and touch on any general housekeeping. I've created a niche as the "joke-teller" to wrap up every meeting. The presentation this week is on heat straightening (process to heat a piece of steel with a torch). I'm coming up short on a solid dad joke to tie it all together. Hoping the community can help me out. What do you got?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Spazzwheel_13
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 18 2023
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I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.

Sorry, wrong sub.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/johnblu5
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 13 2020
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Computer programmer was out driving

A computer programmer was driving whilst contemplating the idea of a 2 to be added to the binary system, so consumed by this conundrum resulting in a lack of attention to the road. She crashed shortly thereafter and was attached to a life support in a hospital overnight. Doctors told her family "we've tried everything but nothing seems to be working, it's time you say your goodbyes". Her husband entered and said "I'm no good at this, I don't know what to do", her child tripped over the life support cord and unplugged it, the child then replugged the life support in and miraculously the computer programmer woke up instantly and starting putting on her boots. The doctor exclaimed "Impossible, how did you recover so fast?!"

"I was turned off and on again so I'm booting up"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Klor204
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 11 2023
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My boss said as a security guard it's my duty to watch the office

I'm on season six, just don't know what it has to do with security

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BendMeLikeAlexis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 16 2022
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A moth goes to the doctor..

The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"

The moth explains to the doctor, "Well doc, my wife and I got into a fight last year. Ever since we haven't really been doing the best, and I've strung myself into a rough alcohol dependence. I've been drinking alot lately and it's done nothing but turn my life to mush. Last week my wife Carol took the two kids to her parents and I haven't heard from them since, they brought luggage so I'm guessing I won't be hearing from them anytime soon. I'm screwed, Doc. My kids are gone, my only lover is gone, I'm a hopeless drunk, I just don't know what to do."

The doctor then responds, "Well shit Mr Moth, ot sounds like you've had a hell of a year, but I have to ask you this.. why me? Why not a psychiatrist, counselor, therapist, why your family doctor?

The moth says.. "Well, the light was on!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shlankdaddypurp
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 27 2022
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I've been stealing chocolate candy bars from the same store for years.

The shop owner finally confronted me about it the other day and said "How come every time you're around my candy starts to disappear?"

So I told him "Well I'm no magician, but I do have a couple Twix up my sleeve."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 834
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Skylantech
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 13 2022
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My wife said she wanted a puppy for her birthday, so I got her one.

The next morning she saw me loading it into the back of my car.

She rushed out to the driveway and shouted "Hey! Where do you think you are you going?!"

I said, "I'm taking him back, honey."

"Taking him back!" she yelled. "Why?"

I said, "It's not your birthday any more."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/incredibleinkpen
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 10 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 10 2022
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From my 4 year old

He enjoys me pretending to sit on him and asks for it while laughing by saying, "Squish me!"

I do so and he laughs "Ahhh! I'm squish cheese!"

No idea where he got that from but the evolution begins.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Varied_nerd
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 27 2022
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I am a Demi-God but I wasn't satisfied with it. I told my God I wanted to be more. Now I'm Demi Moore. What do? (x-post /r/fifthworldproblems)
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/live4lifelegit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 25 2015
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Why did the chicken cross the road.

That wasn't a question because there was no question mark.

Grammarly hates me now as well as you.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/stupidrobotfighting
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 16 2022
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This is how I kicked my daughter out of my study in 30 seconds

(Daughter enters study)

Daughter: I'm here.

Me: Hello here.

Daughter (groans).

Me: What do you want?

(note: it is summer)

Daughter: I wanted to stand in front of the fan.

Me: (Pointing to the fan) Hooray! We love you!

Daughter: I'm out of here.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/OneSalientOversight
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 24 2022
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I hate it when people ask me what I'm planning to do next year.

How would I know, I don't have 2020 vision.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ILoveReksai
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 30 2019
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What shampoo does Prince Charming use?

Head and Smoulders.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KatKarrier
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 18 2022
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If you donโ€™t know what prefix means, itโ€™s ok.

Itโ€™s not the end of the word.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 03 2022
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There's a local supermarket near me called Giant

They also have a bonus card as most supermarkets do. So whenever I'm checking out the cashiers will usually ask if you have your "Giant card" at the end of the transaction.

Queue the grin "No, I just brought my regular sized card today."

Before you know it, I can hear their groans from the parking lot.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Skylantech
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 10 2022
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Had a good run of them in my group chat today:

Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.

Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.

Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?

Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.

Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?

Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?

Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.

Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.

Friend 2: You're looking these up.

Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.

Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.

Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.

Friend 1: D-

Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.

Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?

Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!

In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.

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๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/In_the_pines
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 19 2022
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I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing itโ€ฆ

โ€ฆto make hens meet.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 283
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 28 2019
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I'm going to move to West London. I'm really going to do it, I'm going to be a man of action.

Sorry, a man of Acton.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BeardFM
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 20 2017
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My boss told me that as a security guard, my job is to watch the office.

I'm on season 5 now, but I still don't know what it has to do with security

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 221
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/k_woz1978
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 14 2022
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