My wife just hit me with this after someone said I'm feeling blue on a TV show we were watching

Do you think people who say they're feeling blue are really down or is it just a pigment of their imagination?

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpHi4Pie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did they write the song lyrics as, β€œI'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa”?

Because β€œI'm cyan, da ba dee da ba daa” didn’t sound as good

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/caverypca
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad sent me this text out of the blue...I'm still not sure why he was watching Willy Wonka though.

"I was watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and it gave me a craving for a chocolate bar so I went and bought one. This is probably why I should stop watching Breaking Bad."

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vices_vipers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Daughter: "Dad! My little brother said I'm as chubby as the blue ribbon steer at the State Fair!"

Dad: "That isn't very nice but it's a reasonable fat simile."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Die4Cy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
it is a pickup
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GumpyDoot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2023
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorLooove
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2022
🚨︎ report
Steak puns

They’re a rare medium well done.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/luckysgrow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2023
🚨︎ report
How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

πŸ‘︎ 803
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2022
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me "Are you a comedian?"

I replied "no that's a horrible name"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JazTrumpeter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.

I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/epitomizer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Where do whales wait?

At the whale-way station.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2022
🚨︎ report
When a cat makes a steak how cooked is it?

Medium Rawr

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maskdoesreddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2022
🚨︎ report
Which philosopher had the worst smelling feet?

Sockrates

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes for Canadians

What do you call a man from Montreal wearing a plaid suit? > >>!A checkered Quebecker!!<

What do call a Calgarian with a water pistol? > >>!A squitin' Albertan!!<

What do you get when you drown a Vancouverite in the ocean? > >>!A wet ghost from the West Coast!!<

What do you call a silly Newfoundlander? > >>!A goofy Newfie!!<

What do you call a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy from Sudbury? > >>!An Aryan Ontarian!!<

These all suck and I'm sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
🚨︎ report
A man began collecting snails...

For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.

There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.

As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.

Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.

Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.

Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.

"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.

"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."

Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?

"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2022
🚨︎ report
How do you sing the national anthem of the United Arab Emirates?

I'm Blue, Abu Dhabi, Dubai Abu Dhabi and Dubai Abu Dhabi, Dubai...

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/white_quark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2022
🚨︎ report
Classic dad joke!
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boxjellyfishrule
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
🚨︎ report
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.

He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I dated this girl for a while but I broke up with her because she was crazy...

She kept saying things like, "Stop calling me Laurel. My name is clearly Laurel." I'm going to miss that pretty blue dress that she always wore, though.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/antagonist_aaron
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Turqoise is the best color in the world

It's cyantifically proven

It blue my mind

I'm quite purplexed

I red it on the internet

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
There's these 2 newborns in the nursery and

1 baby looks over at the other and says, "I'm a little boy, how about you?" The other baby says, "A boy? How do you know?" The first baby whips back his blankey, points down, and says, "See! Blue booties!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blscamacho15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A good friend of mine, who is a father, sent me an original joke of his creation today, an I wanted to share it because it was pretty good

He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming

He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"

I got played.

EDIT: Wording fix

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soljakwinever
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my professor, got threatened with a 3 page essay

Some background, I'm taking Listening to Jazz this semester to fill my arts credit. Last week the professor talked about musicians Miles Davis and John Coltrane, and their albums Kind of Blue and A Love Supreme.

During class he was trying to explain to us what the difference between different kinds of jazz were. So he pulled all the students wearing blue and asked each student he pulled to describe their shade of blue. I was picked and when it was my turn, I just looked at him and said "My shirt looks... Kind of Blue" referencing a Miles Davis' album. My professor double face palmed and was so disgusted by me I almost felt bad for laughing. He threatened to give me a 3 page essay on why that was the worst answer I could've given.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatmanstan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Help needed for a colour pun

I'm currently developing a game for my studies based on the old windows Game Pipe Dream (or Pipe Mania). It is two player and competitive where each player works for one of two rival companies. The game has a steampunk theme and each company is represented by a different colour. Green is Greenpunk Industries. I need your help, pun masters of reddit, in coming up with a pun for the Blue company.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TimeTraveller264
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
🚨︎ report
[request] Joke for my school yearbook

Hey I am supposed to come up with a joke that will go at the start of my school yearbook. I'm wondering if you guys could please help me? I'll try to credit you or this sub or something. Thanks.

The high school is called "Hunting Hills", the color is blue, our team name is the "lightning" and the mascot is called "Stryker". Our city is called "Red Deer".

Here's one that I thought of that's really bad that you could try and improve:

Q: Why does Hunting call itself the lightning?

A: Because on a hill is where you are most likely to get struck!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokethunder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Got blue balls because of this one

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clayton_69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandpa dropped this one before my dad had the chance to lay it down

Me: "I think I'm going to wear my electric-blue tie for the rehearsal dinner." Grandpa: "Where the hell are you gonna plug it in all night?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/menwithrobots
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
🚨︎ report
"Did you get into a fight?!"

So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever.

Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim.

I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, "oh no! Did you get into a fight??"

When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with "You're all black and blue!"

Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed.

We had a good laugh after that though.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanThePenguin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to the hospital once

I told the doctor "I'm having trouble with my hearing"

The doctor asked me "can you describe the symptoms?"

I replied "Marge has blue hair and Homer is the fat guy"

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wishiza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
From my granddaughter: "What's blue and smells like red paint?"

"Blue paint!" (I'm so proud of her.)

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b0b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
🚨︎ report
From a random guy in a furniture store

This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch.

I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says:

"He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem."

He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back. That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woundedduk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife told me to wear a bluish-grey shirt..

Wife: wear the blue-grey hylete instead.

Me: but I like the brown one so I'm gonna wear that. See abigail (our daughter) is wearing pink and white, you're wearing purple and grey and I'm wearing brown.

Me: This way people know I'm the shit in this family!

Wife then proceeded to rolls eyes while I laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbunaiXD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Mom to Dad: "We'll diet next week..."

"What color? I'm thinking blue."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Proud Dad tear shed for my Star Wars fan son

My son out-of-the-blue said "When I grow up I'm going to run a Star Wars, like, park thing. And I'm going to have an elevator painted with Darth Vader on it and I'm going to call it Darth EleVader."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joealarson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.