My school bully told me Iβm bad at come-backs. So I told them that
that- uhhh... that they- theyβre- uhhh- stup- I mean- uhm...
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 17 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 111
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
After getting back from the beach, my daughter said, βHey, look! Iβm tan from the sun!β
I shook her hand. βItβs very nice to meet you! Iβm Dad from Earth.β
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 17 2021
I'm allergic to sesame seeds, so back in Year 3 at primary school, people would tell this joke:
What show is Dec allergic to?
Sesame Street!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
I'm 6 foot 6 inches (~196cm) and I recently found the cause for my back problems.
Almost everyone looks up to me. Being a role model to that many people is a lot of weight for one to carry on their shoulders.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I didn't put my watch back this weekend, so I'm living in the future.
If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I broke my back in a car accident and I'm looking for a pun for my grad cap
So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 25 2020
In honor of my father for Fatherβs Day, Iβm going to tack you back to the 1990βs. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy Iβm thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty Iβm Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
Iβm sure itβs not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
I'm a sea captain, my crew was goofing off at the back of the ship...
... I had to give them a stern warning.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
π︎ 138
π
︎ Nov 16 2019
I'm exhausted. Just got back from the hospital
My girlfriend was really sick and the doctors said she urgently needed a blood transfusion. They asked me what her blood type was, but I had no idea. I frantically tracked my brain, trying to remember if she'd told me. She must have sensed my panic, because she looked up at me and with her final breath said, "Be positive. Be positive" She's right, though I will miss her.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
Iβm back, what did I miss?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 10 2019
I was just brought back to life and I'm already hard
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
If you can guess how many apples I'm holding behind my back, I'll give you them both.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
I'm buying a liquor store and I'm gonna have games in the back.
The sign will say "liquor in the front, poker in the rear"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
My hair flowed down my back when I was in my 20βs and Iβm not bragging when I tell you it still does
Because it starts from below my collar now
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 12 2019
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 23 2015
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
Iβm back to wearing secular socks
My Wife threw out all the holy ones.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 16 2019
I just told my dad Iβm going to take a shower, he says βdonβt forget to put it back when youβre done.β
π︎ 96
π
︎ Mar 04 2018
I havenβt showered in so long Iβm starting to grow mushrooms on my back
Didnβt realise it would make me this much of a fun guy
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 13 2019
"I'm going to the store to get some cigarettes, I'll be right back"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 10 2018
My son said, 'I'm going to text my girlfriend back.'
I said, 'Why on earth is your girlfriend called Back?'
π︎ 17
π
︎ Sep 15 2018
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 02 2019
I'm back. And I have grate puns!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 23 2017
I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back.
They told me to stop lying.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 30 2018
I'm a little low on money at the moment to buy Injustice 2. I plan on trading games back to GameStop even though I will get next to nothing for it. I'll even trade in my original Injustice game for it...
that's what I call poetic injustice.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 15 2017
My dad: Hello, I'm back!
My brother: Hello
Dad: Hello, front
Bro: what
Dad: I'm back so u must be front!
silence
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 05 2017
I'm sure that we can all agree that a horse's back is a good thing to ride on.
A crocodile's back, on the other hand, really isn't a good thing to ride on.
But an elephant's back? Well... that's a grey area.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 08 2015
I'm a relatively new dad. My 2 year old daughter was eating a banana in the car. From the back seat, she started to hand me sections of the banana peel when I blurted this out:
"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 07 2015
My MTB group passed a lone rider, I was in back, so I told him "I'm last".
"Hi Last, I'm Alone!"
Almost crashed...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 14 2017
My wife grabbed my butt this morning as she went out the door announcing, "I'll be back, I'm going to check the mail."
"I think you already did!" I replied.
Does it count if my little kids didn't get it?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 25 2017
A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 18 2015
So I'm driving my car with my Dad and Grandpa in the back.
There was no food in my car...
>Dad: It smells like Doritos back here.
>Grandpa: You want one?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 09 2014
I'm flying to Oregon tomorrow, and my dad asked me to bring him back something.
He said, "Can you bring me back one of those folded paper ducks? I think it's called Origoni."
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 01 2015
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.