But no one asks WHEN was 911
It’s finely shredded cabbage in mayonnaise.
But no one believes me when I say Iran.
^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
There wasn’t a dry face in the house.
Met-all
Because they exercised their right to vote.
It's the Wurst-käse-scenario
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
Because I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that.
And this is what I call a punch line
I can't seem to find it.
I'm going to put my glasses on
Well, they aren't laughing now.
They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
"I'm losing my patience!"
...but who are the "Yankers"?
Because it went viral.
A barfly yells back at him...How is it something so stupid can get a job? Aren't you stupid?
Simple Bob smiles and says, No because if it's stupid and it works...It ain't stupid.
Nut delivery drivers
An Airbus.
Even the cake was in tiers
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Imagination
I told him to be my guest.
I’m gonna put my glasses on
for all in tents and porpoises.
They are polarizing.
No one mentions his brother Frank, that guy was a monster.
I'm going to put my glasses on.
