Dear me, it seems like I'm obsessed with writing letters to myself.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,

and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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I just found this subreddit, here's a couple of my favorites from dear ole' dad. I can only hope to be a blip of his greatness when I'm his age.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

  • With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

  • Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

  • Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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A viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out his window one day

"Its going to rain soon" he said to his wife. "How could you possibly know that?" She asked. He simply replied, "Because Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What's a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Why Santa tell Mrs. Claus to carry an umbrella?

"Looks like rain dear"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Sherlock, what kind of school is this?

Elementary, my dear Watson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMordorlorian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

πŸ‘︎ 496
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What did Santa say to Mrs Clause when he saw a thunderstorm?

β€œLooks like rain dear”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFitBit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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The Punner’s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cool-breeze7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Santa forgot to check the weather

Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/generic_what
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I got my son a PS5 like he wanted... the note read...

Dear son,

Merry Christmas!

PS: do your homework.

PPS: do your chores.

PPPS: go outside and play and stop playing video games

PPPPS: you're a fatboy, fattie. You eat too much crap food.

PPPPPS: we're shipping you off to military school next year!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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A husband and wife are walking in the park together.

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

β€œSee, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RosselWestbrook
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My friend said he could dodge a bullet

R.I.P, I wish i could say that i missed you my dear friend.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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To be Frank

Oh wait I already am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-I-Am-Frank-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, it’s because I’ve seen this damn post 50 million times in the last week, dear god get some creativity, but also, Dad usually laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cats_Macgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Playing the long game

Life Goals:

Have a daughter

Name her 'Dearly'

Train her to be an accountant

Employ her at my business

Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.

EDIT: Spelling

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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"But Holmes, how did you know the suspect had swallowed the evidence?"

"Alimentary my dear Watson"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eastville_villan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.

"Dear, get off the swing" she said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and a woman were on their first date.

A man and a woman were on their first date.

β€œSo, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.

The man looked away and turned red.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” asked the woman.

The man bashfully replied, β€œI’m not used to someone calling me β€˜dear’ on the first date.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johaen8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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What do you call a blind doe?

no eye dear.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unyieldingHero
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I've been stuck in lock down so long I've started writing myself letters

Dear, me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFr1nk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
In Need of Pun Artists

Dear Reddit Community,

I need a pun that includes the word senator for my upcoming student election. I figure the wit of 382K people can't fail me. Thank you for your service. Owl miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyManGuy24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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+ 24 others

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I was at the doctors with my teenage son,

"Your son has what we call a lazy eye," said the doctor.

"Oh dear," I answered, "it's obviously spread from the rest of his body."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I got this one from grandpa.

There is this couple in church and the wife farts.then the wife says to the the husband β€œdid you hear me fart” and then the husband says β€œdear,I think your hearing aid batteries are low”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FFFFFFFFFfFFF0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Blonde

A couple were watching the news.

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident," said the newscaster.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing... "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man looking for his wife in the woods?

A dear hunter.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/revenges_captain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A man's three daughters are wondering how they got their names...

"Daddy, why is my name Violet?" the first girl asks.

"Because a violet fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.

"Daddy, why is my name Rose?" the second girl asks.

"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born, dear," her father answers.

"My favorite color is potato," the third girl says.

"Shut up, Brick!"

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InkFoxPrints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
As the man of the house, I always have the last word when my wife and I disagree about what to do.

Usually it's something like "yes dear."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StateOfContusion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.

The girl asks, β€œis it true that there’s nothing under that kilt of yours?” The Scotsman replies, β€œwhy don’t you reach under and see for yourself?” The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. β€œDear god, that’s gruesome!”

The Scotsman replied back β€œAye, and if you reach up under there again, you’ll see it’s gruesome more.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetmover78
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No eye-dear.

What do you call a dear with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye-dear.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?

He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A Viking named Rudolph the Red

One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, β€œIt’s going to rain.” His wife asked, β€œHow do you know?” He said, β€œBecause Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Tigger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Santa to Mrs. Claus: do you hear that noise?

Mrs Claus: It's only rain dear.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myhomebasenl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Santa know when it’s going to rain?

Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said

β€œIt looks like it’s going to rain” his wife said how do you know?

He replied β€œRudolph the Red knows rain, dear....

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasd84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One Night a Viking named Rudolph the Red told his wife, It’s going to Rain...she asked how he knew...

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

(Yes, I stole this from another sub:))

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJBlue18
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife asked "how do you know?"

"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TripHasard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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