I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends
...because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates. Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.
He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"
She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."
"It's Christmas, Eve."
He lives very far from my place (10 hours flight to get there) and unfortunately, I was not able to visit my parents this year.
Obviously he asked me when I will come and visit them, to which I replied "I'll visit you this year for sure".
By the time I said that I told myself "god what have you done..." only to hear my dad on the phone: "Better hurry up! you only have 5 days left!"
My family got my father a few gift cards to restaurants as some of his Christmas presents, and he says, "Wow, a 198 gift card!" We all stare at him, confused, until he explains: "Two gift cards for the 99 Restaurant!"
Alarm clock is across the room from the bed
Son: Wake up it's time for presents.
Me still asleep: Son, what does the clock say?
Son: Tick tock tick tock...
"Oh, awesome - a box! Just what I always wanted!"
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It's tradition that my father makes the family a huge christmas breakfast/brunch. He offered me some fruit, so I was about to grab a piece of cantaloupe, but my sister said that it tasted bad.
So I cleverly respond by saying. "ahh yes, I guess it can't be good"
To which my dad responds by saying, "well you do know why it's bad right? Because it can't elope"
My little sister absolutely loves the movie "Frozen", so naturally my parents got her the book for Christmas.
Sister: "Oh, I love Frozen! I can't wait to read this!"
Dad: "Well you're gonna have to wait. It'll need time to thaw."
Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.
When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.
The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).
For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.
I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.
My fiancé and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she picked up her empty glass and said, "I'm thirsty."
My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. I turned with entirely too much vigor and extended my hand to her in greeting. And before I could say anything she said, "haha nice to meet you. You're so funny."
Does it still count as a dad joke if you don't even get to say it?
This morning as we were waiting for my mom, who was late to the Christmas party, my dad goes to her room and asks her if she's in there wrapping presents. He comes back and reports, "She's gone hip-hop. She's in there rapping!" Oh, Dad.
Dad got me with this one this morning. My Christmas present was a bag of mini cheeses.
Dad: "I got you this in the true spirit of Christmas."
Me: "What does Christmas have to do with cheese?"
Dad: "Are you kidding? Christmas is all about baby cheesus!"
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡So Christmas morning. We're all opening presents, and my dad and uncle do a bit of a double team. My dad started talking about this thief who went about and stole a bunch of turkeys from a local supermarket.
My uncle then replied "ah I heard about that. The police suspected there was a bite of fowl play"
We are on a ski trip in Colorado for his birthday and Christmas. We have to wake up early so we can get a good parking space and beat the crowds. Today is his birthday and our alarm clock this morning was the theme song to Hawaii 5-O. He turned 50 today. Hahaha.
