Why do cows have tulips?
If they had no lips they'd say wooo
I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
My wife left me because I couldn’t stop doing impressions of pasta
What's the opposite of a croissant?
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
I only believe in a God 12.5% of the time
Because I’m an eighth-theist
I’m sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think it’s time to move in a new direction.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer...
Plus it's super fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
Let’s see what your made of Mike!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
What is the capital of Poland?
SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Today, I was accosted by an angry Monk brandishing a bouquet.
Remember, only YOU can prevent Florist Friars.
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
This year I’m on a crusade to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s about raisin awareness
Asking for a friend ............... A good friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl.
They are 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
What kind of doctor is Dr.Pepper?
"Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"
"In case they get a hole in one!"
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".
I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great.
Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too
I’ve often heard that “icy” is one of the easiest words to spell.
Looking back at it now, I see why.
What is the most dangerous part of a church?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
A lot of baking instructions say 425°F
But I always do 420° just to make it a little cooler.
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper?
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
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