B Sides and Rarities Puns

It’s like he lives on the other side of the tracks.

José

It didn’t make the cut.

Because that bit there is samizdat bit there

I guess he's just a little ruff around the edges.

Because there are more birds on that side.

Zinger from my father-in-law.

Edit: This is word for word. Thanks everyone for trying to make it better.

I'm sure that must have been a record

So it makes sense that CD's came next

It is logical that they will have a successor called CD

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: “sir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

Deputy: "They were impersonating an office, sir."

Boy-ant-C!

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

On the left side, there's nothing right.

On the right side, there's nothing left.

My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Plastic explosives.

He's all right, now.

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

(This is my No-L greeting.)

It was a third degree burn.

It's an equal Adderall triangle.

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

So the can scandinavian

Can’t take credit for this one. A client of mine told me this.

Because they were Nazis

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

A buck-an-ear!

I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!

Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasn’t expecting this!

She took plea A.

and not:

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.

It went off without a hitch

He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.

Wait, wrong sub.

Transparent

(sorry it sucks, it's like 2:30 in the morning right now and I haven't slept)

(Edit: holy shit! I wasn't expecting this to get so many upvotes. Also thanks for the awards guys, I really appreciate it!)

I’ll make you an offer I can’t understand.

Because no one would bet on a seahorse.

The Swiss don't take sides.

Because it said my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.

The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.

I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

Dad turns red and tries fighting his reaction

Mom: control yourself, don't do it, this is an important moment.

Dad: hi gay I'm dad

Plastic explosives.

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

I'm sure that must have been a record.