I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
πŸ‘︎ 174
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCatSkits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...

Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Man54
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"

She said, "Not neccecelery."

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all

Back to the drawing, bored

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
After 12 years, I finally played World of Warcraft again & all I have to say is

WOW.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squarezloader
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m sick of having great little ideas all the time, I think I have...

Notion sickness

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/levainletlive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I shouldn't have ate all those legos.

Now I'm pooping bricks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATLUTDisMe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.

Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MadSlingshoter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
It's my cake day and this is all I have
πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sian_AM
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been pushing the envelope all my life

But it still remains stationery.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.

Lunch is on me.

πŸ‘︎ 461
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a cricket in my heater closet who sings all night long

I mean, he's no Lionel Richie, but he's not half bad.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I have come to love all of gods creatures.

Especially next to a pile of mashed potatoes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toweliieee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
To that guy all I have to say is Yo-da Man!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.

The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?

Call it the big 10-4.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ew0k5AN0nomi5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
From all tubed meat I have tasted, this one was really bad.

It was the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been wondering why my food delivery drivers have all been wearing glasses.

I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A-T-P
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a question for you all

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetthemango
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke β€” What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?

A1C por favor

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 528
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"

"Canteens?" he asked.

"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 240
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.

I hope It's Paul. He's cute.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Sorry I’m late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?

Room tempera-churros.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Discount_Dracula
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Do u think if a British person heard an American person go β€œugh I have a bloody nose” they would think β€œwe all have noses you know”

Credit goes to my friend who made the joke

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notBroseidon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.

People who are reading this are on the same page.

πŸ‘︎ 172
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently I need to spice up my jokes because my friends have heard them all before.

I’m not very oregano.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.

I have to draw my own conclusions.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m really liking the fact I have to stay in doors all day because of this quarantine

It really gets my indoorphins up and running.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I realized I have all the components to make my own COVID-19 Lego scene

All I had to do was paint some heads white to be toilet paper. I didn't have a lot of heads so it looks like I'm almost out.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/housepage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/5c077_fr33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.

I think that would be pretty handy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaggyB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".

Doctor: "Your finger is broken".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey y'all, I thought Panda Express didn't have MSG in it...

...but I keep finding all of these MSGs in my fortune cookies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, the new year is upon us and that means I have to stick spigots in all my red and black maple trees...

The task always saps my strength.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor. I don’t like him much but I’ve decided to try and be friends. After all...

We have a lot in common

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beybladepenis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.

I tell them β€œit’s next to the sage”

πŸ‘︎ 226
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CineArma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.