Whenever someone leaves the room and says, "I'll be back"

Victim: I'll be back.

Me: I'll be front! And then we can be a whole person!

Alternatively: If the victime says, "I'll be right back" I respond with "I'll be left back! Then together we can be a fullback!" It gives the added football pun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xurandor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2013
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I think my wife is becoming a dad. While I was on the porcelain throne, she asked me me what I was doing. I replied: scrolling through Reddit.

She added giggling: you will take ages to log off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DKS13G
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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/r/puns best of 2020 nomination thread!

Edit: Winner:- https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/knrrk1/rpuns_best_of_2020_nomination_thread/ghx6xyy

Welcome to /r/puns bestof 2020 nomination thread! A chance to win reddit premium.

Comment below the links of posts/comments that were exceptional.

  • Post/comment must have been made in the year 2020.

  • Anybody can nominate.

  • One person can nominate maximum of 1 post or comment.

Prizes:

1 month reddit premium (no ads on your feed) and access to the reddit lounge to the exceptional post/comment.

Note: The person who nominates will also get award if the post they nominate is good. (Very likely you will get it :)

All the best!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

By adding spring water!

πŸ‘︎ 616
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddudzi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...

...adding insoles to ninjary.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i4mb4tm4n
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I have always preffered winter more than summer

Because in winter you can keep adding more layers until you are warm but in summer you can only take off so many before you are arrested

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrejb22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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*sad cat fishing noises*

I just saw an ad for a dating app before Sam Smiths, I Want Something to Die for, song. Guess that’s the after effect for using dating apps, who knew

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.

She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Painting a Church

A painter is desperate and bids low for a contract to paint the outside of a church. He figures he could still make a profit by adding water to the paint. He wins the contract.

He goes out one sunny day and after a long day's work, he finishes. Thunder cracks and the rain washes away the paint. A voice from the sky booms, "Repaint and thin no more!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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Never mess with your wife’s wine!

I just added fruit and lemonade to my wife’s and now she’s sangria than ever before!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Julius Caesar was coming out of McDonald's. Brutus asked him if he liked the burger.

Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."

(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vforvegas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.

Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said β€˜gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’,

To my amazement I said β€˜ they contain salt!’ To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictive’

With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!

No one laughed but me.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qit4444
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do they milk oats?

So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.

I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"

My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"

I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Tiny biscuit pizzas and my kid...

My 8yo daughter and I were adding ingredients to the biscuit pizzas before putting in them in the oven. I told her to...

Me: put black olives on em.

Her: dad?....

Me: yes

Her: on Olive them?

I was was so proud 🀣

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brokenbyher2019
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm no tailor, but...

I think adding an "e" to the end of your suit would be pretty suite

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Would you rather eat a baby goat or a madder baby?

Them: what’s a madder baby?

Me: Nothing sugar, what’s a matter with you? 😏


Sorry if this might be a repost, I didn’t make it up but it’s one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. It’s really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like β€œwhat the fucks a madder baby?”

E: added the emoji cuz it’s good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DwelveDeeper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
In honor of my grandfather: You should get a football...

... I think you'd get a real kick out of it.

If you don't like that, get an adding machine, because that's what counts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobertskey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do bacteria wait 5s before touching the food?

they first have to skip an ad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leolannister
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said that stray dogs have no masters.

I agreed and added that they don't even have associates.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolmcq
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Texting during corona is very confusing.

Adding a conversation with my gf:

"How are you 😷?"

"I'm a bit 😷 but I'd be 😷 if you were here 😷😷😷."

It's getting really confusint guys

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuDe1214
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If a paid political message uses a pun to assail a candidate’s character...

Is it an Ad Homonym attack?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneSidedDice
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

πŸ‘︎ 740
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

And a Czech one two, Czech one two.

I know you all think this joke is a repost, but I thought adding this line might be Prague-ress.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The only downside to the new smart toaster I got for Christmas?

All the pop-up ads.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andybader
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of Christian monks want to create a band. What's their name?

AD/BC

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinnaig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.

But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Spotify: Want a break from the ads?

Me, everytime: Ad-solutely!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alyse3690
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
It was a sunny day out on the lake. I'd forgotten my cap. Luckily, I had a flyer from the local department store. I folded it into a hat with a shade for my eyes, thus making it easier to guide the boat without crashing it.

It made a good ad visor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her bath. She then got mad at me!!

Some people are so ungrateful. I used an entire pencil adding details to it and everything :(


[Just thought of this. I'm pretty happy with myself right now.]

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make water bed more bouncy

By adding spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 278
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best bit about a Covid cake?

It'll never run out as the Government is always adding new tiers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgcow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

Recently I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juiceβ€”now she’s sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.

πŸ‘︎ 425
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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