When you order a large combo meal in north korea what size is your drink?

1 supreme liter.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What did 2n+1 say to 2n?

I literally can't even

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plainrane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Drilling holes is boring.

Like, literally

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Where was Moses when the lights went out?

In the dark.

My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you like an atom? βš›οΈ

Because they literally make-up everything.

Shout out to my 9yo daughter who came up with this banger all by herself. For the street cred, kid! Happy Friday all!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2aireishuman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces...

Doctor said I was a natural born liter

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vintagepatriot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a pun about chips for a Christmas gift

So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tazzles26
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

A comma.

A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally

I asked her, "Who's Literally?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenonNade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do white girls travel in odd number groups?

Cuz they literally can’t even

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuckleberry__Finn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a joke I wanted to share with my family but I can’t find it on here..

I literally just reddit.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iTzbr00tal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.

Christmas was literally last year.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?

Because they have literally no chants in Hell.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the coin shortage?

Apparently, America is literally out of common cents!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chopinsbach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow who is vegetarian?

A vegeta-bull

Edit: It’s been brought up that I should’ve said bovine instead of cow. I definitely didn’t mean to offend anyone! I literally thought this stupid joke to myself while in the shower lol

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellegirl82091
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs,

because they take everything literally.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t trust double blind studies

It’s literally the blind leading the blind.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IceCoolBrutus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Riddle me this: What did Batman say to Robin right before they got into the Batmobile?

ROBIN, GET IN THE CAR!!

overheard on a boy scout outing (literally 50x).

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajordancpa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..

Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.

(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a lamb, a drum, and a snake sound falling off a cliff?

Baa-dum-sss.

(Told by literally my dad)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roke619
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The only thing a kleptomaniac cannot steal is a pun

They take everything literally.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoastingNoodles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Y’all think last night’s debate was bad...

To this day the Lincoln-Douglas debate of β€˜58 is literally unwatchable.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoYouWantAunts
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
So no shit here I am

This just happened to me lmao. I'm here with my wife and 5 y/o daughter about to sit down and eat.

Daughter: what movie are we going to watch. (We mentioned maybe watching one earlier) Me: it's this new cartoon movie called nunya

Literally 1 second later Daughter: nunya business.... Me: DDAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

What an awesome feeling lol

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haagimus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My health conscious date asked me how many liters are there in a glass of coke.

I said 4 liters, 9 if you include the glass.

She said: "What!?"

Me: Yea.

Liter C.

Liter O.

Liter K.

Liter E.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Decrith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked β€œHow fast do you think a hearse can go?”

Me: I don’t think very fast at all

Wife: Why not?!

Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...

Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroWeDeserve87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Told the wife the hair product she bought was fake sh*t. She asked how I knew.

I told her it's literally in the name. Shampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secrethat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did all the measurements listen to Volume?

Because it was the liter

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyborg_Nate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you joke around with kleptomaniacs?

They take everything so literally

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Kleptomaniacs never understand jokes.

They always take things, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a coin machine yesterday and I can't figure out how it works

It literally makes no sense

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingbeans312
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?

They always take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flappyducks34
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

They take everything literally.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Smith82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do i hate kleptomaniacs?

They take everything literally

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcklitzza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Im dead inside

I'm literally a skeleton moving with clothes

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Migzzz831
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
It's so difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

They always take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WispyNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't kleptomaniacs like puns?

Because they take everything literally.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/firejuggler74
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding puns (pun line underneath)

Because they take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Remsta08
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the coin shortage in the US?

Yes, the US is literally out of common cents!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ssj3dvp11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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