My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Have you ever noticed

That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?

.

There are more geese in that line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jump-blues-5678
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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3 yr old grandson says, "Papa, where's my sword?"

Papa, "What colour is it?"

3 yr old, "Blue."

Papa, "Where did you see it last?"

3 yr old: "In my hand."

Endless entertainment!

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UhmBah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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The Irony Of It

https://preview.redd.it/xaydp6kv31s51.png?width=600&format=png&auto=webp&s=28ef512ec7a376b9708bc3e7ca9cc3f702dae84c

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ford456fgfd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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What's your idea for a perfect date?

MM/DD/YYYY. I find other formats confusing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumsock17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeimconfused
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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A piece of rope walks in to a bar

Rope: One beer, please.

Bartender: We don’t serve rope here.

Rope:walks outside and thinks

Rope:gets an idea, gets excited & messes up its hair

Rope:walks back in to the bar

Rope: One beer, please.

Bartender: Aren’t you that rope I just refused to serve. Rope: Nope, I’m a frayed knot.

Edit: Formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Son: what was the first dad joke in history?

Dad: probably I’mroglyphics

Son: I’mroglyphics?

Dad: Hieroglyphics I’m dad!

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jncummins86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Hey, this is my first reddit post but I need help. I think I accidentally deleted everything on my computer.

.....sorry for formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WillKay10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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So the police showed up at my house

Me: [hears knock on door] Who is it?

Trooper: State police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State police

Me: Police

(Edit: messed up formatting)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ctyw
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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How to: fall down the stairs!

(Sorry for formatting i’m on mobile)

Step 1

Step 2

Step 4

Step 6

Step 12

Step 15

Step 22

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielpatters22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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Me: Is the dishwasher dirty?

Dad: No...
Me: puts plate in sink
Dad: ...but the dishes inside are.
Me: moves plate to dishwasher

(Edit: formatting)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dj_rogers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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Genie: You have one wish left

Dave: I wish I was Rich!

Genie: Granted

Rich: Nice

(Sorry for formatting, mobile app is the embodiment of a bucket with a hole in it)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasM__
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Nut joke as told by my dad today

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chin?

.

.

.

.

A dick in your mouth.

Groans and facepalms were had.

EDIT: Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonaman8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What is the difference between your file cabinet and your kidney?

One is for your information; the other's for urine formation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyneesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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The endless dadjoke

Last night, my daughter and I:

Her: "I'm cold, dad."

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth."

Her: "Dad, stop it! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth!"

Her: "Daaaad! I'm cold, dad!"

Me: "I think what you want to say is "Dad, I'm cold.'"

Her: "Dad, I'm cold."

Me: "Hi cold, I'm Dad."

Her: "DAD NO."

Edit: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanSpice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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What do you call a bunch if ones and zeros in a line?

In formation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pkklerz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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There were 2 muffins in the oven

First muffin: man it’s hot in here

Second muffin: holy shit a talking muffin!

Edit for formatting, us dads like a good format

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jditty24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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My 7yr old son is getting a jump start on being a dad

We were parking and I read the street sweeper sign out loud

Me: Monday 930-11am

Son: it's Thursday

Me: ya I know I was just reading the sign

Son: I was talking to the sign, not you

Me: signs don't speak English

Son: I know, they speak sign language.

Edit: My lazy ass logged in and fixed the formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJTG64
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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An accidental pun

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight

Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousFun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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With son & Circuit City......

https://imgur.com/gallery/P13MxpS

Me: Do you have the new Iron Maiden cd?

Employee: A Matter of Life and Death?

Me: No, it’s not that important

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lastczarnian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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To wife: Of course she knows it's a new year, she wasn't born yesterday!

Daughter was born at 8:08am yesterday. 7lbs, 1oz, 20" long. Dad, Mom and baby are doing great! Image

Edit - link formatting
Edit - My wife thinks the pic makes it look like she gave birth to Mother Teresa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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My favorite dad joke

Not the usual format, but whenever me and my wife go to the grocery store and buy cheese, I always tell out super loud. "HONEY BE CAREFUL! THAT CHEESE IS EXTRA SHARP!" Always catches her off guard, always gets a decent groan. 😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Headsup_Eyesdown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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A bit of teasing...

100% True story. I was starting a new job at a software company and was talking to one of my coworkers who has many varieties of tea.

Me: That's a lot of tea you got there.

Him: Yeah, I'll let you sample one. Only $50.

Me: But isn't that a little steep?

Edit: Stupid phone formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HSLilAce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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Dad just walked into the room...

Dad just walked into the living room shielding his eyes.

Me: What are you doing?

Dad: My parents taught me not to stare at the sun.

Me: What?

Dad: Because you're my son.

Mom and dad both literally had to leave because they were laughing so hard.

EDIT: Formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saketssn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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I was doing some electrical work for a friend who recently moved into a new place

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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My wife had the best dad joke of the year.

Obligatory formatting from cell phone sorry.

Series of events that unfolded.

Laying in bed with wife she rips the tag off her pillows and says

Wife: I’ve been meaning to do this β€œbye-bye”

Me: geez Nancy pelosi

Wife : points at pillow it’s pillowsi.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skat_o_Mancer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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My Dad and I were watching Geese fly in V formation

He looked to me and said, "Do you know why the left side of the V formation is longer?"

So I told him, "I can't think of a reason, why?"

So he enlightened me, "It's because it has more geese in it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leakproof
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Wife: What are some names of orchids?

Me: Free Willy

Wife: I said "orCHIDS"

Me: Baby Free Willy?

Wife: Shame on you

Me: No, but Shamu would work

*Posted on mobile, please forgive formatting issues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gudotwo2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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My boss is definitely a dad.

I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book.

Me: "Good morning, brother."

Him: "Hey, hey."

Me: "I missed you man, how you been?"

Him: "I've been right here, you need to aim better. -Flips page- ...But I've been good."

EDIT: Formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/V13Axel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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The data army is always lined up.

They're in formation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
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My roommate is Geology Major

Roommate "I have been studying these three pages of notes on geological formations. It's so tedious."

Me "Yes, but, would you say that the information is rock solid?"

My girlfriend was visibly upset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funky_Crisp
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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South for the winter

Any time we'd see birds flying in a V formation, my dad would say "Any time you see birds flying like that, one line is always longer than the other. Know why that is?" me - "Why?" "Because there are more birds in that line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwardblunder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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3 Year old daughter has me beat, so proud of her

Yesterday, while eating dinner - my 3 year old daughter wanted a kiss from her mother.

Daughter: I want a kiss.

My daughter then proceeds to give her mom a kiss.

Me: I want 2 kisses.

Daughter then kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 3 kisses.

Kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 4 kisses.

She grabs her fork and puts it to my mouth, and says fork kiss! And laughs.

I'm so proud of her...hahahhaha

Edit: formatting (on mobile)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penmaggots
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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An archaeologist was examining an ancient looking post in a field...

Carved on to the post was some roman-looking words:

TOTI

EMUL

ESTO

After two hours of analysing the words, he was approached by the farmer that owned the field. "What are you looking at chap?" Said the farmer.

"I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the writing on this post... it looks Roman! This could be a great find!" The archaeologist replied.

"Let me take a look" says the farmer as he analyses the carving.

"It says "To tie mules to" you silly twat".

Credit to Stephen Fry on No Such Thing As A Fish podcast

Edit - Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InkJetPrinters
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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