Do you know why it's difficult to read what is on my Samsung phone's screen from 20 feet?

Because it's on a Galaxy far, far away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/212lefty9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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A saltwater crocodile can grow up to 20 feet...

But most just have 4.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Invader_Kilz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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TIL crocodiles can grow 20 feet and be 2,000 pounds

But most only have 4 feet and are less expensive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlhc55
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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When is a duck 20 feet tall?

When it is wearing stilts.

Courtesy Coffee News

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zzing
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.

It's the first time they'll see 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikkobe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I remember my childhood well.

It was around 20 feet deep and had a few frogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Going deaf

A man was concerned that his wife was going deaf so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor said, "There is a simple test for your wife's hearing. Stand a good distance away from her, ask her a question, and if she doesn't respond keep moving closer while asking the question until she does."

So the man goes home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He gets about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?". She doesn't respond. He moves to 15 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still nothing. He moves to just 5 feet away and asks again "Honey, what's for dinner?", The wife finally turns around and says,

"For the fourth time, we're having lasagna!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctr1989
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Two cannibals find a shipwreck survivor and decide to split him for dinner...

They agree to start at the feet and work their way up. After 20 minutes, the first cannibal asks his friend, "How're you doing?" His friend replies "Oh, I'm having a ball", to which the first cannibal exclaims "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryJertheim
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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Losing shoes at the pool

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/troyvit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
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My sister remarked that our yard was "small"

I looked at her a bit surprised. "Our yard is actually larger than the average yard, at least twice as much!" She showed me a picture of her friends yard, and I told her "That yard has to be at least 20, even 30 times larger than the average yard, ours is only twice as large, I checked. It's at least 7 feet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EqFox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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Grocery shopping, spring loaded

So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:

"Well, now you know how thyme flies."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaychuck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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If this is a common dad joke, I apologize.

I was talking to some friends about the snow yesterday here in the Midwest. I said "it was snowing so hard you can't see 20 feet in front of you!"

My friend Jon responded: "I don't know why you'd want to look at twenty feet, anyways."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorianXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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alligators can grow up to 20 feet

but most grow four

πŸ‘︎ 687
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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Alligators can grow up to 20 feet...

But most only grow 4.

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talquin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet!

But usually they just have 4.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x12ogerZx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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