A list of puns related to "2 Tone"
I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain who was the most amazing best captain a crew could ever ask for. His crew loved him more than anything and would do absolutely anything for him.
One day as they were sailing, a crew member In the crows nest shouts, “one ship off the port side!” Immediately the captain yells at his crew, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!”
Slightly confused, the men hesitate for a second and then hurry off to bring the captain his red shirt. Amazingly they win the battle!
The men are so happy and thankful their captain brought them safely through the battle they don’t even care why the captain wanted his red shirt.
A few months of sailing some more, again the man in the crows nest yells, “Two ships off the port side!” Quickly the captain screams, “Men! Bring me my red shirt!” The crew doesn’t hesitate this time to get him his red shirt and what do you know? They win this battle too!!
The crew is astounded at their captains awesomeness!!! They honestly could not find anyone better. This time though the crew stops a moment and asks the captain, “Why do you always have us bring you your red shirt?”
The captain replies, “Well men, if I get stabbed the blood will blend into my red shirt and it will look like I’m not hurt so that you will all fight as hard as if I were still alive.”
The men can’t believe what they hear! How could they be so lucky as to have a captain so incredibly smart and courageous??!!
Two seconds later, “TWENTY SEVEN SHIPS OFF THE PORT SIDE!!!!!!!”
Calmly, with an even tone, the captain says, “Men, bring me my brown pants.”
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡Her: I want the same thing for breakfast that we had yesterday.
Me picking her up: I want hugs.
Her in a very sarcastic tone: Are you going to eat the hugs?
In a condescending tone.
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
Thank you
I call it:
THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!
It a sure way to get my mellow tones in.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice. It really is sad though as everyone there spoke so highly of me.
Because they only have 2 tones.
I was raised homeschooled. As a result of this up bringing, I went to many different places to learn things.
One day we went to a farm, and this farm just so happened to have a bee keeper working on it. So I naturally struck up a conversation with the fine man, asking him questions about what he did, and how he liked his job.
Little did I know some time had passed and it was time to go. My mother had called to me from behind my back saying it was time to leave, but I didn’t pay her any attention. Then, in a stern tone, she called to me again from behind that it was time to go.
Then I saw her face, now I’m a bee leaver. Not a trace, of doubt in my mind.
I was doing some word play on Game of Thrones before we were about to watch it after putting our son down.
"What do you call GoT starring all skeletons? Game of Bones. ...starring tiny bearded men? Game of Gnomes. ...starring Mozart and Beethoven? Game of Tones" And on and on.
Admittedly, not my best work. Nevertheless, my wife, clearly tired of humouring my brilliance, comes out with this:
"What do you call GoT starring you? Game of Groans"
So proud.
In the toilet, floating just above the water, was a ghostly poop. I was so terrified, I shrieked a long sustained note until, finally, the feces disappeared.
Luckily I was able to remember that you can kill boo turds with one's tone.
I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"
He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."
He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.
But are forced to leave message at tone
After watching the Lego Movie, he turns to me and asks, "Dad, how do you think they built all those legos??" His tone was one of that innocent wonder and I didn't want to ruin anything so I simply replied, "I have no idea!"
Without missing a beat he says, "Probably one brick at a time."
"Did you hear that"
"What?"
"The bee, when I squished it."
"What about it?"
"It made a funny sound, like a music tone... I think it was a B flat."
Kids were discussing animals. Someone mentioned gnus (wildebeests), how they have horse tails and buffalo horns. I told them I'm not even sure if they are real or not. "Really? You don't know if gnus are real or not?" Says the oldest in a skeptic tone.
"That's right. I'm an agnustic."
So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.
All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.
As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.
While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane I’ve ever seen.
The shock on my face must’ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, “Yea, that’s my wife’s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.”
“Come say hello, Peeve!”
So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.
Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"
Her : "What now?"
Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")
"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"
Her : "What?"
Me : "A human toe."
Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.
"Eeeewwww. Then what?"
Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM
Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."
And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.
Before going to sleep, my dad looked at me, and in a serious tone informed me that he wouldn't speak to me again until I was 21.
Took all the strength I had not to facepalm.
Edit: he's getting some extra mileage out of the New Years line, "I haven't ___ all year."
Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.
Me, "What do you want son?"
Son, "Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee?"
Me in a very contemplative tone, "You want an Icee, hmm, I see"
I'm a second year university student. I was walking back to my room and walked into an acquaintance. We're both computer geeks more or less, and I was carrying my laptop with me. I started making some simple smalltalk when he noticed my laptop.
"Oh! Is that a Dell?"
Me: "oh!...Yeah! It's a Dell, but not the singer."
Continued to walk past, as this encounter took an entire 10 seconds at most
Random passerby that overheard in a hearty tone: "Hey! That was funny!"
My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.
Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?
Me: What does it look like?
Wife: White container, red writing.
Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?
Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!
Me: ...hood?
Wife brandishes knife.
Whenever someone would say something bad (but true)about Dad, and he would respond with an insulted tone "Hey! I represent that!"
I made the mistake of asking, "Could you hand me the wine?"
Him: in pouty tone "Do I haaavvee tooooo?"
Me: "Is that cool or what?"
2.5 year old son: serious tone "It's what."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxyU4WTD3JE
The dulcid tones of Michael's favorite hip-hop artists are discussed in this melodious episode of Dad Joke Daily. From Young Jeezy to Geriatric Jeezy, from Lil' Wayne to Extra-Large Wayne, it's all in here.
So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!
Teacher: so these tuning forms are hit and they make a specific tone, does anyone know what this is called (pointing at on of the prongs of the fork)
Student: isn't it a prong?
Teacher: no, it's actually called a ning, because it's a two-ning fork
I'll ask around to see if anyone has saw it...
Example: Me: Where's my phone? Dad: Your Phone?! (In a very promising tone) Me: Yes! (Relieved) Dad: Don't know. (Troll Face)
Every goddam time.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
How do you kill a white elephant?
Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!
All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.
I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.
He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."
Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.
These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st. "I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
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