my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Why do pregnant cows have so much energy?
They're heavily calfinated
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer...
apparently the paper was jamming.
Why was Luke Skywalker unlucky with love?
He was looking in Alderaan places.
Pleasantly prepared punchline! The Argyle Sweater for 5/13/21
My son asked me today, “why didn’t the head go to prom?”
Me: “why?”
Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”
He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.
Why did Hugh Jackman punch a monk selling flowers?
Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars
For some reason most of my friends didn't like it
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he wanted space
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’?
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding behind trees?
Because they are good at it
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Why is April always tired?
Because April comes after march.
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said “oops, you gave me an extra-“
He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN!!! Too many questions.
Like, "Who's blood is this?", "How did you get it?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why don't vultures check bags when they fly?
They're strictly carrion birds
Why did the dad joke cross the road?
To get to the other sigh.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
I am so, so sorry
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?
Because they drank the 't'
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella
Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because he didn't habenaro.
Why do people in a wheelchair make such bad jokes?
Cuz they're really terrible at stand up comedy
Why do chickens only make one type of sound?
They can't think outside the bawks-
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why
Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
Why are fish so easy to weigh
Because they come with there own scales
Why did the man rob the train?
I'm not sure, but I bet he had a loco motive.
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
Chinese takeout: £13 Tip: £3
Getting home to find they’ve missed part of your order: Riceless
I meant to cross post it but I don’t know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
Why don’t seagulls fly around bays?
Because then they would be called bagels.
Why are Tesla so expensive?
It's because they charge a lot
Why could no one understand the trains reasoning.
Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
Why is England described as being a wet country?
The Queen has reigned over it for decades
Why can't pirates sing the alphabet
Why did the dad joke cross the road?
To get to the other sighs.
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