Why is Dark spelled with a βKβ and not a βCβ?
Because you canβt βCβ in the dark
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what sheβs up to now.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Not mine. But always makes me giggle
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Passing that could not have been pleasant
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︎ Mar 24 2021
What's blue and not very heavy?
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︎ Apr 09 2021
It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
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︎ Feb 23 2021
Not Ray!
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︎ Apr 14 2021
My friend tony asked me not to say his name backwards
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︎ Apr 20 2021
High but not so high IQ meme
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I canβt believe itβs not butter!
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︎ Jan 21 2021
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
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︎ Mar 13 2021
What do u call a boomerang that doesnt come back!??? (Its not stick)
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Not mine
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)
This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.
I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.
As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say:
Winnie the Poop
Winnie the Pooh...P
Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P
And your kids will laugh just as hard.
I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.
Enjoy
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Not much to see, NGL.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I'm not prepared
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︎ Apr 13 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Not corny enough? This is a barrage.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but heβs not buying it. In fact...
Heβs still making fun of me...
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Not that hard to find
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︎ Apr 09 2021
How do you call an elephant that does not matter?
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Not OC
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︎ Apr 10 2021
I'm not sure I am that hungry
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Itβs not a drunk argument
Itβs a spirited discussion.
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︎ Apr 15 2021
When someone says youβre not good at drawing
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︎ Apr 18 2021
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Why is doctor spelled with a C and not a K?
No reason to see one if it's ok.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
What's Bernie Sanders favorite milk? not 1%
What's Bernie Sanders favorite milk?
not 1%
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
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︎ Feb 14 2021
The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.
But it will be LIVE STREAMED.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
This wasnβt even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My son told me he wanted to be a mime when he grows up. I told him absolutely not.
It's not like he can talk back to me.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)
Not what you're thinking.
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I mean. Heβs not wrong
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Whatβs green and not very heavy?
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Why can your nose not be 12 inches?
Cause then it would be a foot
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Do not use βBeefstewβ as your computer password
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My friend Tony asked my not to spell his name backwards...
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︎ Apr 21 2021
What's blue and not heavy?
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︎ Apr 23 2021
Whats blue and not heavy?
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︎ Mar 22 2021
My friend Tony asked me not to spell his name backwards
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︎ Apr 21 2021
When is a door not a door?
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︎ Apr 21 2021
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