Why is Dark spelled with a β€˜K’ and not a β€˜C’?

Because you can’t β€˜C’ in the dark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.

You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"

They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Not mine. But always makes me giggle
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alca87
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Passing that could not have been pleasant
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarknesTheElite
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Not Ray!
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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My friend tony asked me not to say his name backwards

I said y not?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anukrit_Subedi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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High but not so high IQ meme
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AM10_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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I can’t believe it’s not butter!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.

Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."

Mee: "You are not coming in."

Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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What do u call a boomerang that doesnt come back!??? (Its not stick)

Boomeran

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Not mine
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoo_yone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elChardo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AM10_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Not much to see, NGL.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_that_dam_baka_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I'm not prepared
πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathucub
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Not corny enough? This is a barrage.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyperbolicplain
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...

He’s still making fun of me...

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Not that hard to find
πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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How do you call an elephant that does not matter?

An irrelephant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoulScripter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Not OC
πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_arham_07
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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I'm not sure I am that hungry
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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It’s not a drunk argument

It’s a spirited discussion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Mad_Man
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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When someone says you’re not good at drawing
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eldriefess
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.

Either it sucks or it sucks.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heybuddy313
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.

It's just boring.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Why is doctor spelled with a C and not a K?

No reason to see one if it's ok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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What's Bernie Sanders favorite milk? not 1%

What's Bernie Sanders favorite milk?

not 1%

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25

But I don't know Y

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Work4Bots
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.

But it will be LIVE STREAMED.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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My son told me he wanted to be a mime when he grows up. I told him absolutely not.

It's not like he can talk back to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you're thinking)

Not what you're thinking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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I mean. He’s not wrong
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What’s green and not very heavy?

Light green

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Why can your nose not be 12 inches?

Cause then it would be a foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/safwanadnan19
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Do not use β€œBeefstew” as your computer password

It’s not stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corvette-Ronnie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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My friend Tony asked my not to spell his name backwards...

I said y not?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hudgen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitalily
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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Whats blue and not heavy?

Light blue :)))

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldenGoat1997
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My friend Tony asked me not to spell his name backwards

I said "Y Not?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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When is a door not a door?

When it is a jar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rey_lumen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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