I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
Why do British people say they’re “bri’ish”?
Wow hi I've met my people on this subreddit
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
I've invented a sandal for one legged people...
You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments
Your crimes will then ketchup to you.
There's a term for people like Trump
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
There are two types of people
- Those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data.
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
If there’s a line of gay people, it’s not a straight line...
Why do people hate lobsters
Not my joke in any way but thought people might like it.
Do French people play video games?
Some people always need their opinions validated.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
People who sell meat are gross.
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
I asked my Dad if gay people should get married and he said,
"Haven't they suffered enough?"
I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower
Why are lgbt people good at fashion?
They usually spend a long time in the closet.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
All these people moaning about Covid restrictions...
They need to get out more.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 4....
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.
Where do crazy people ride their bikes?
People say I plagiarized my jokes
People say my keyboard is p̵o̷s̵s̴e̴s̶s̴e̷d̷ ̷b̷y̷ ̸d̴e̴m̸o̸n̴s̸
W̶̢̰̬̺͒̽̋͋̉ḩ̸̯̼̬̼̣̱͚͖̎̐̔̃y̸̡̛͕̫̬̳̾̂̽́͌̊͆̈́̚͜ ẘ̴̧̨̗̺͈̠̲͇͚̲͔̪͍͔̝̙̦͇͉̭̜͔͎͉́̽͐̈́̅͋̊͗͆̾̍̑̉̂̈́͊͝ͅo̴̡̤͙͙͇̼͕͖̰͕̘͉̓̐̄ư̷̲͚̖̻͚͙̖̊̋͊͗́̒̏͂̄͊̈́̍̋̋̎̽͌̈́͋͘͝l̸̢̝̭͕̠̞̟͕̭̙̦̪̤͚̫̦̞̱̺̟̩̦͍̉͂͆̑͆̐̊̌͜͠͠d̸̰̻̺̅̀̀́̈́̈́͒͋̋͒̓̀̅͠͝ ̵̢̝͙̲͔̞͉̘̤̙̮̻͍͈̗̦̻̬̣̳̥͂̑̐̈́͋̒̈͐̑̆͘ͅţ̸̢̨̧̡̛͍̻̺̬̱̮̺̻̼͓̠̲͇̜̭̗͖̹͔̫̗̟͈͔͔̯͓͂̌̏̍̓̎̀͐͐̎̆͌̐̍̑͘͘͘͜ḩ̸̢̡͇̙͚̠̰̩̰͖̥̟̪̻̣̝͙̦̙͓̫͚͈̪̜̭̻̩̤̟̽͛͗͑̏̍̄͗͜ͅę̶̛̤̥͚̤͍̭͉̫̯̣͇̰̳̹̲̠̮̫͖́̍̍͐̔́͒̍̋͌̾́̈́̊̑̌̉̊̔̔̀͊̾̑̿̾́̄̃͘͜y̸̙̭̥̹̌̃͒͋̈͂͐̈́͊̄̌̀̀̎̌̆̀̕̚͠͠͝͠ ș̶̢̢̡̧̡̛̛͍̭͕͖͙̯̻̪̜̺̝̣͖͇̬̼̣̼͉̺̻͙̖̰̣̮͙̪̟͍͔̯̫̝͉͙̜̲͕̠̱̟̎̓͛̂̓͋͛̓̌͗̎̐͆̉̃̏̉̆̉́͛̾̆̑́̃͑̈́̉̆͑̒̓́̀̓̋̐͛̈̔̒͗͐̈́͑͑̚̚͘͘̕͝͝͠͝ͅą̵̧̡̡̧̨̨͈̜̤̱̲̭̠̱̥̟͙̙͉̱͉̹̳̭̯̖̺̞͈̥͉̲̣͔͙̰͇̲̺̮̔̌͋͛̌́́̐͂̈́̒̈̾̈́̕͝ỷ̸̢̛̟͓͔̹̝̞̯̹̰̝͎̹̠͎̘͔͍͇̺͕̬̀́̈́̈́͛͒̍̑̄̋̋̆̑͋̏̊̔̌͛̎̉́͊͒̇̍̾͋͂̍͘̚͜ ̷̢̧̢̛̛̳͚̩̪͖͇̰͓͔͔̩̟̙̙̖̞̮̙̜̗̻̼͍͙͎͚̙͊͑̽̂͐̃́͊͛̇̾̓͒̇̐̓͆͂̂̇̐̓̈̈̏̍͐̓̈́̐̿̓͑͑͒́̃̔́̾̓́̂̚̚̕̚͜͝ţ̵̨̢̢̢̛̛̛̛͙̦͙̝̝͓̣͇̖̹͙͇̹̹̙̭̫̳͉̯͚̱͓͇̙̻̥͖̟͉͈͕̼͎̤̣̰͐̃̾̒͊̉́̔̄̄́͋̈́̆̅͆̂̀̽̐̊̾͐͋̍͆̌͂̿̽̇͑͋́̓̅̂̌̆͑́̕͘͘̚͝͝͝͝h̸̡͓̣͇̩̦͚̮͉͍̰̭͓̞͎͖͚͍̜̻̣͉̟̯̤͉̻̮̹̞̠̟̬̬̱̩̖̭͔͕͐̌͑̈̾̈́̓̿̀͒͑̅̌̊̂̒̅̓̈́̇͊͛̃͒̄͒̉͗̒͐̿́̀̍̀̑̎͘̚̚̕͜͜͠͠͠ͅͅạ̵̧̧̨̯̫̙͕̘̞̼̟̬͓̻̩͚̪̤͎̝̘̞̦͓̌͗̀͑̌͠t ̷̢̧̡̡̡̨̛̯̮̯̗̙͎̜͉̹͙͔̲̬͙̝͍̯̦͖̰͍͙͍̜̪̮̦̙̮̬̞̞͕̩͙̯̱͚̯̜̯̻̯̭̫̠̓͋̔͆̆̄̒̑̎͋͒̈́͆̓͗̄͒̊̎͂̇͊̊̉̚͘̚͘̕͜͜ͅX̷̡̧̨̧̧̢̦̺̞̩̘͖̺̲͔̜͎̬͍͉̰͚͔͖̫̯̘͚̗͔̩͖̗͔̱̜̪͇͓͉̱͇̣̖͇̭͙͍͖̿͆̀͋̆̊̌̅̄̇͂͌͌̇̈́̉̈́̿͂̀̓̋͐̆̍͐̓̆̑̊̈͒̂͌̄̅͛̌̆̒́͗̀̈́͛͌̓̾̽̔͗͛̂̀̕̚͝͠͝ͅͅD̶̟̭̠̹̦̳̤̂͑̒͐̓̑̈́͆̓̑̒̐̈͂̅̚͜͜?̸̨̠̝̯̰͕͚̀̏̓̇͐̾̑̊͒͋̾̃́̐̀̀̊͒̈́̏̿̾̅͒̔̈́̒͊̍͋͑͘͜͜͝͠͠͝͝
I asked people what their favourite natural disaster was...
Avalanches won by a landslide.
Don’t trust people that create acupuncture,
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say I’m like a broken record...
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
I've often wondered, are people with photographic memories born with that ability..
..or does it just take time to develop ?
People ask me why I still work as a mailman,on such low salary.
I tell them : "Its not about the money; Its about sending a message"
Some people cause happiness wherever they go....
Others, whenever they go.
They say there are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
I think that's Booleshit.
My grandpa warned people the titanic would sink
No one listened but he kept warning them until people got sick of him and threw him out of the cinema.
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.
But the people in Abu Dhabi do.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.
People who sell meat are gross.
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
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