How much does a nursing home weigh?

Tons of grams

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?

. . . To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a nursing home smell like?

Depends

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzznugget20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I work in a nursing home. A diabetic schizophrenic I always give sugar free life savers to just said, "You haven't brought me any damn candy all day!" I replied, " I just got here, you need to be patient."

She said,"I am a damn patient!!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ugadrugdawg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the nursing home smell?

Because it was filled with Old Farts.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2000B_C
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."

"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
First Dad Joke. - I got my 92 year old Grandmother at the nursing home with this one.

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/libertydan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
After having dinner in the nursing home.

Gram: It was okay, nothing to write home about. Dad: Then it's a good thing you're already there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoneyMead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Witnessed my first real dad joke at the nursing home where I work. Told by The Grand Master of Dad Jokes himself.

In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.

One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."

Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"

Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.

I immediately thought of you guys.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JxWayne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My great-grandfather every day at the nursing home...

Nurse: "How are you feeling today, George?"

Grandpa George: "Sober."

-later-

Cafeteria worker: "What would you like to drink today?"

Grandpa George: "Whiskey."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cairaechan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
🚨︎ report
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...

She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc127
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
After we had our baby the Nurse was like β€œbefore you go home you have to watch the video about shaken babies

I told her, no need. I already know how to shake them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is the most dad jokingest person on earth. This morning he had a heart attack. He's stable and was making dad jokes all the way to the hospital. I need your best of the best jokes for me to tell him when he gets out of surgery.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cowboykillers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Out of context quote from my dad

"I know people, most of them have dementia, but I know people" He's a nurse at an old people's home...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatkIdwIthwIfI
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
As today marks my fathers passing here is his greatest...

Sitting passed out in his chair in the nursing home, dying from Alzheimer's disease, my father the Lutheran pastor farts as loud as can be and looks up tiredly and says.. "What'd that asshole say?"

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PirbyKuckett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
🚨︎ report
I’m pretty black and white about most things

Except nursing homes, that’s a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/avid_snotboy
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad

My Dad had a brain injury resulting from a fall and was in a nursing home for a year till he passed away. One of the things we both loved were "Dad jokes" and puns. When I visited him in the nursing home it was often a one way conversation. I would just ramble on not sure if he could hear me or understand me, but it didn't matter. One day I arrived and sat with him while he stared into the distance and I said, "Gees Dad you should see the weather outside it's raining cats and dogs and I damn near stepped in a poodle." He turned to me slowly and grinned and said, "That's an ollllllld joke", then he turned away and disappeared again. But for a few seconds he was there.....all of him. The power of Dad jokes. I miss him.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Housebitchhere
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
🚨︎ report
A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Hospital Humor

In the hospital after my second child is born and the dad jokes are happening. Each new nurse that walks in always asks my wife, "Will you rate your pain?"

This is where I jump in and say "5/5, would hurt again!"

I need to go home.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrickNostril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Too Soon?

My dad and I go visit my grand mother at her nursing home. We walk into her room and she had fallen on the floor and hit her head. Blood had pooled beside her. As the nurses come and get her into a chair her white hair was completely covered in blood, first thing my dad says after yelling for the nurses "at least we know what she would look like as a red head."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EhBurds
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
(step)Dadjoke tonight

So my step dad, mother, and I are on our way home from a pint night tonight when we got onto the conversation of twins. I was going back and forth with my mom, who as a nurse was giving insightful comments on the subject. My step dad quips in and asks if there's any specific parts of the US that are prone to fraternal or identical twins. We both are kinda confused for a second, and my mom says it's not a geographical thing but genetics. He then says he would have thought Minnesota would have been the place. I lost my shit. My mom was confused until she realized it was a baseball dadjoke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jahlovelol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Eye surgery and birds.

Girlfriends mom had eye surgery for her cataracts today, she has to wear an eye patch until it heals.

Nurse to girlfriends dad: "So you're giving her a ride home today?"

Girlfriends dad: "Yeah, I couldn't find a parrot to give her directions."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AarBearRAWR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.